Free Will, Choices, and The Business of Letting Go

I have been thinking a lot lately about the choices we make and how they effect the direction our life takes. I look back on some of my choices and diversions and wonder how on earth I ended up in such a happy and fulfilled life.

It all really makes me marvel at the generosity of God.

Free will is a tricky thing and theologians have pondered it's repercussions for centuries. Why does he allow us to make terrible decisions? Why does he allow those decisions to hurt other people? Why doesn't he stop us when we are headed for disaster?

I have seen new glimpses of God's wisdom lately as my husband and I navigate the parenting of a young adult on the cusp of her future. It is a daily exercise of letting go. A constant reminder that God has given her a free will and our responsibility to her as her parents, at this stage in her life, is to let her use it. She will make bad decisions. She will hurt people. She will hurt us. She might lose opportunities and blow chances, she will be short-sighted, and selfish, and lazy.

In other words she will do all the things I did when I was 18.

But if we hover too much, if we micro-manage every decision and shield her from consequences she may never know how wonderful she is, how talented, and kind, and generous, and insightful, and incredibly brave and strong.

There are days when I grow weary of the constant sacrifice my life requires. Yesterday I spent my whole day chasing a two-year-old around with a bowl hoping he would vomit into it instead of vomiting on the couch, or the rug, or me.  Then I fed dinner to a group of picky eaters, held a teething baby until he fell asleep, signed homework folders, bathed little bodies, diapered 3 bottoms and played cards with older kids until bedtime. Finally my husband and I sat down together and all we could talk about was money and the fact that there is never enough of it, and this month will be tight but we can do it.  Thankfully, we also laughed, and shared a glass of wine, and thanked God we were poor together. I do grow weary at times, and sometimes I even imagine that if I had pursued my education further, or taken this job or that one, that things would be easier somehow, but then I recognize every good and perfect gift in my life right now and wouldn't be willing to trade it or give it up for anything.

As I watch our daughter navigate these years of her life I am reminded of all the stupid decisions I made, all the short sighted impulsive things I did, the naive way I conducted myself and I remember thinking in the midst of it all that I had everything under control.  Then I am reminded of the wisdom and selflessness of my mother as she allowed me to make decisions, to feel consequences (good and bad) and to find my way.  I realize that the best thing we can do for our daughter is to really let her go. Let her succeed. Let her fail. Let her live.  If you had asked me what I wanted to be when I was her age I would have said "famous." It makes me laugh now! I had no idea what I actually wanted aside from a few core things:

I knew I wanted to be loved
I knew I wanted to be married
I knew I wanted to be a mother
I knew I wanted to be useful.
I knew I wanted to follow the will of God.

When I talk to her about what she wants she expresses many of the same things.  And so I realized we can relax, because she desires the right things. She wants to be obedient to God and that is all he requires: our willingness to obey, our desire to please him.  We have done our best to cultivate virtue in her and that is what will bring her through the hardships and joys of life.

God took my vague desires and turned it into a really beautiful life.  He took my overwhelming need to be loved and gave me the most perfect partner for this life, perfect far beyond my own imaginings.  He took my desire to be a mother and blessed me exponentially, not just with 7 children, but with the supernatural generosity of spirit it takes to be open to each one of them, and the humility it takes to do my daily work knowing that he covers all my failures.

I am so grateful for the unexpected gift of our daughter. God knew my life would not be complete without that little 5 year-old-girl who stole my heart before her daddy did.  I am grateful for the unexpected blessings even if they come with unexpected pain sometimes. Watching her grow up makes me realize that I really won't be changing diapers and following toddlers with puke bowls forever. One day I will say this house is too quiet (imagine that!) as we let them each go one at a time and watch them navigate that pesky free will as they look for God's plan and purpose for their life.

At the end of the day, even the days where I watch the time go in slow motion and count the minutes until it's appropriate to pour myself a drink, I am unspeakably grateful for this life.