Monday, September 22, 2014
Quick Morning Thought
"No one who lights a lamp conceals it with a vessel or sets it under a bed; rather, he places it on a lamp stand so that those who enter may see the light. For there is nothing hidden that will not become visible, and nothing secret that will not be known and come to light. Take care, then, how you hear. To anyone who has, more will be given, and from the one who has not, even what he seems to have will be taken away" Luke 8:16-18
This morning while I was trying to read the gospel for the day and provide myself with some focus, I was struck with the malleable beauty of scripture. The Divine Word has a way of speaking infallible truth while also allowing the Holy Spirit to meet us exactly where we are.
There was a time in my life I may have read the "nothing hidden that will not become visible" line as an admonishment that all sin and fault will come to light, and certainly that is one aspect of Christ's teaching, but today it was as if the Holy Spirit, knowing what my days look like, knowing all the thankless tasks that like before me, was reminding me that all I do in secret will one day be known.
So as you clean up the mess from the weekend, picking up socks and dirty underwear, finding smelly towels in the corners of boys' bedrooms, planning your meals, stocking the fridge, and changing the baby's diapers, remember that even though no one may notice what you do now, Our Lord sees all the effort, all the sacrifice and all the love. The less praise we receive in this life, the more we will be rewarded in heaven.
So hold that torch high! God has entrusted us all, mothers, fathers, working or staying at home to be a bearer of light for our families and in return that light will spread and our children will carry it for the world.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Kids are Too Expensive: One More Reason to Stop all This Procreation Nonsense
"How do you afford all those kids?"
If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me this question, I could have another kid.
Next to the typical knee-jerk, inappropriate "do you own a TV" questions, this is the most frequent question I get from people when they see me with my brood.
I often get the loaded comments like "your husband must do very well," or "you must be able to afford a lot of help." I am never quite sure what to make of these comments since they could be taken one of two ways.
Either I am rich and that kind of justifies our foolhardy approach to family planning, OR we can't actually "afford" the children we have and we are short-sighted idiots who haven't read any recent statistics about what it actually costs to have a kid. Oh, and we're probably on food stamps.
I am not saying raising children is cheap, but the numbers that float around these days are completely exorbitant and another mechanism of a world controlled by fear and selfishness.
If you Google "how much does it cost to raise a child" the standard number that comes up is about $250,000. That means that in order to raise our family, assuming we aren't foolish enough to make any more people, would cost us about 2 million dollars. If our income stays where it is, my husband would have to work at least 40 additional years to even come close. Guess he can retire when he's 80; oh, but wait, the kids will all be in college by the time he's 53, so I guess we need to give 3 or 4 of them back.
My question became what method are we using to come up with this daunting number? This number that scares people away from procreating, convinces them that trips to the beach, nice cars and solid 401K's are more important then even replacing ourselves.
I found this graph on one website that gives us a handy-dandy breakdown of every dreaded penny you will have to spend if you decide it's worth the risk of procreating. Now, keep in mind graphs like this one are fairly consistent online, and in the small print they tell you this is the cost of raising one child out of two. In other words, no one considers the money that might actually be saved in subsequent children when you have the luxury of re-using things. It also assumes a two-income family wtih the expense of childcare, especially in the first 4 years, being a huge portion of the overall cost. Saying nothing of working mom's vs. stay-at-home mom's, I think it's interesting that the assumption is that these children will be in daycare almost immediately even though mother's who chose to stay home are on the rise.
My husband is a teacher at a small private school. According to modern culture we can in no way "afford" all these kids, and yet without any government assistance, all our basic needs have always been met. This is not to say in any way that it is easy, or that we don't worry about money but here's a few things I have figured out as baby after baby came without a rise in pay.
1. Breastfeeding is free- I don't want to start a debate on breastfeeding, but I was never so grateful that my body made every bit of nourishment my baby needed then when I had my first baby and my husband was unemployed for 6 months.
2. Family, family, family- I am the first to say that I am incredibly blessed that we have an amazing support system with family all around us and I realize how lucky I am. This is something we have really lost in our current culture, a sense of being connected to our families, tethering ourselves to them for the sake of our livelihood and sanity. For centuries it was assumed that when you began your family it would be with your mother and mother-in-law, and a slew of siblings and cousins close by. I realize this isn't always possible and of course in some cases not even desirable, but if you don't have family nearby you have to find a community to belong to: a church, a mom's group, something. Raising children is hard work whether you are raising one or ten and worrying about having to pay someone every time you step out on an errand alone will break you in more ways then just financially. My husband and I made a conscious decision to stay near our families even if it meant turning down jobs with more money. That has been scary at times and always something we had to pray a lot about, but there is so much more to the survival of a family then just monetary comfort. We need each other.
3. Kids do not need everything they want- This is the crux of the problem we face as a culture convinced children are too expensive. Technology has certainly changed the game on this one. I remember saving my pennies to get a Walkman for $25, now kids feel the need for an iPhone in 2nd grade, so by 4th grade they've worn their parents down. This article purports that the average age a child is getting a cell phone is 11, and so between 11-22 you will spend over $10,000 just on their cell phone expenses! This figure was not considered in the previous graphs as far as I can tell, so I suppose with this new "need" we should expect the number to keep climbing. Children need to learn the difference between a want and a need. This is something my mother used to make us do all the time when we were growing up as missionaries: "do you want it or do you need it?" she would ask again and again. Of course I torture my children with the same question, but my fear is that no one else is asking our kids to think this way. For a myriad of reasons parents are afraid to say "no" to their children and many have convinced themselves that if their children don't have everything they want the parent is failing in some way. Children are spoiled and catered to, they expect instant gratification and know little to nothing of gratitude or hard work. Not your children of course, but other people's. How much of what we buy our kids do they actually need?
4. We pay for activity and exercise- I am all for kids playing soccer, or learning to play an instrument in fact these are things we have to forgo sometimes because of financial issues and I wrestle with guilt about it. But then I remember that my kids play outside all the time, and they play soccer almost every day, with each other, in the back yard. I do wish we could afford music lessons, but we find other ways to expose them to music on a daily basis. I am all for raising well-rounded kids, but kids today are so over-scheduled and busy they never just build a fort out of cardboard in the back yard, or God-forbid learn what it's like to have nothing to do, and have to come up with something on their own. I grew up poor, watching my friends do things I couldn't afford. It was hard, and I know my kids might feel the sting of that sometimes (although my kids are by no means poor), but it in no way makes me wish there were less of them and it never seems to occur to them either. Life is disappointing and unfair, I am grateful I live in a country where soccer is all they're giving up. Watching our kids be disappointed by what they are going without is a perfect time to teach them how to be grateful for what they have.
5. What you can afford is entirely relative- If there's anything these statistics and numbers tell us, it's that wealth is a very relative term. We hear people say that they're "broke" or "strapped" all the time, while they drive one of two cars, pull it into the driveway of their over-sized home (fully equipped with running water and electricity!), and complain about how "expensive" their kids are as the little leeches wear their clean clothes, rubbing their full bellies, and bob their little heads up and down to the sound of Frozen coming from the DVD player in their car, on the way to Gymnastics. We have come to expect a certain level of comfort, and we have convinced ourselves that if we can't keep up with the Jones's we're failing, or depriving our children of some right. This is not to say that people don't struggle, but often times we simply aren't willing to cut the costs of what we see as needs, when really we are just drowning in stuff we want. What I have noticed is that most people find a way to spend what they have, and if you have less you spend less, so why are we so quick to give up more children before we give up the other things?
6. This is all very personal so never assume you know why people have small families- This is more a caveat then anything else. I truly believe all I have said and that as a Western culture we have truly lost sight of the value of children. We no longer see them as priceless, something to be treasured but rather something to "fit in" to our 10 year plans, and cover with our sound investments, send them off to college without the "burden" of work. We have lost sight of all the invaluable gifts they bring with them, not the least of which is having people to share the burden of caring for us when we can no longer care for ourselves. But we also have to be careful to judge the small family, especially the small affluent one, who may not have chosen to be so few.
There were definitely times I thought we were crazy for having another baby and it is a constant act of trust in God to see all the needs of our family met, but I could talk for hours about how God has met every.single.one. He will not be outdone in generosity and a new life is never a burden. He promises us again and again that he will supply all of our needs and sometimes his timing is tricky to understand, but he always sustains us and most of the time he gives us much more than we actually need.
My husband is a teacher at a small private school. According to modern culture we can in no way "afford" all these kids, and yet without any government assistance, all our basic needs have always been met. This is not to say in any way that it is easy, or that we don't worry about money but here's a few things I have figured out as baby after baby came without a rise in pay.
1. Breastfeeding is free- I don't want to start a debate on breastfeeding, but I was never so grateful that my body made every bit of nourishment my baby needed then when I had my first baby and my husband was unemployed for 6 months.
2. Family, family, family- I am the first to say that I am incredibly blessed that we have an amazing support system with family all around us and I realize how lucky I am. This is something we have really lost in our current culture, a sense of being connected to our families, tethering ourselves to them for the sake of our livelihood and sanity. For centuries it was assumed that when you began your family it would be with your mother and mother-in-law, and a slew of siblings and cousins close by. I realize this isn't always possible and of course in some cases not even desirable, but if you don't have family nearby you have to find a community to belong to: a church, a mom's group, something. Raising children is hard work whether you are raising one or ten and worrying about having to pay someone every time you step out on an errand alone will break you in more ways then just financially. My husband and I made a conscious decision to stay near our families even if it meant turning down jobs with more money. That has been scary at times and always something we had to pray a lot about, but there is so much more to the survival of a family then just monetary comfort. We need each other.
3. Kids do not need everything they want- This is the crux of the problem we face as a culture convinced children are too expensive. Technology has certainly changed the game on this one. I remember saving my pennies to get a Walkman for $25, now kids feel the need for an iPhone in 2nd grade, so by 4th grade they've worn their parents down. This article purports that the average age a child is getting a cell phone is 11, and so between 11-22 you will spend over $10,000 just on their cell phone expenses! This figure was not considered in the previous graphs as far as I can tell, so I suppose with this new "need" we should expect the number to keep climbing. Children need to learn the difference between a want and a need. This is something my mother used to make us do all the time when we were growing up as missionaries: "do you want it or do you need it?" she would ask again and again. Of course I torture my children with the same question, but my fear is that no one else is asking our kids to think this way. For a myriad of reasons parents are afraid to say "no" to their children and many have convinced themselves that if their children don't have everything they want the parent is failing in some way. Children are spoiled and catered to, they expect instant gratification and know little to nothing of gratitude or hard work. Not your children of course, but other people's. How much of what we buy our kids do they actually need?
4. We pay for activity and exercise- I am all for kids playing soccer, or learning to play an instrument in fact these are things we have to forgo sometimes because of financial issues and I wrestle with guilt about it. But then I remember that my kids play outside all the time, and they play soccer almost every day, with each other, in the back yard. I do wish we could afford music lessons, but we find other ways to expose them to music on a daily basis. I am all for raising well-rounded kids, but kids today are so over-scheduled and busy they never just build a fort out of cardboard in the back yard, or God-forbid learn what it's like to have nothing to do, and have to come up with something on their own. I grew up poor, watching my friends do things I couldn't afford. It was hard, and I know my kids might feel the sting of that sometimes (although my kids are by no means poor), but it in no way makes me wish there were less of them and it never seems to occur to them either. Life is disappointing and unfair, I am grateful I live in a country where soccer is all they're giving up. Watching our kids be disappointed by what they are going without is a perfect time to teach them how to be grateful for what they have.
5. What you can afford is entirely relative- If there's anything these statistics and numbers tell us, it's that wealth is a very relative term. We hear people say that they're "broke" or "strapped" all the time, while they drive one of two cars, pull it into the driveway of their over-sized home (fully equipped with running water and electricity!), and complain about how "expensive" their kids are as the little leeches wear their clean clothes, rubbing their full bellies, and bob their little heads up and down to the sound of Frozen coming from the DVD player in their car, on the way to Gymnastics. We have come to expect a certain level of comfort, and we have convinced ourselves that if we can't keep up with the Jones's we're failing, or depriving our children of some right. This is not to say that people don't struggle, but often times we simply aren't willing to cut the costs of what we see as needs, when really we are just drowning in stuff we want. What I have noticed is that most people find a way to spend what they have, and if you have less you spend less, so why are we so quick to give up more children before we give up the other things?
6. This is all very personal so never assume you know why people have small families- This is more a caveat then anything else. I truly believe all I have said and that as a Western culture we have truly lost sight of the value of children. We no longer see them as priceless, something to be treasured but rather something to "fit in" to our 10 year plans, and cover with our sound investments, send them off to college without the "burden" of work. We have lost sight of all the invaluable gifts they bring with them, not the least of which is having people to share the burden of caring for us when we can no longer care for ourselves. But we also have to be careful to judge the small family, especially the small affluent one, who may not have chosen to be so few.
There were definitely times I thought we were crazy for having another baby and it is a constant act of trust in God to see all the needs of our family met, but I could talk for hours about how God has met every.single.one. He will not be outdone in generosity and a new life is never a burden. He promises us again and again that he will supply all of our needs and sometimes his timing is tricky to understand, but he always sustains us and most of the time he gives us much more than we actually need.
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