Sleep, who needs it?

                  My youngest baby is 7 months old.  Usually, by this time my babies are sleeping soundly through the night (something that has always annoyed many of my friends).  But this little guy just doesn't want to sleep more than 3 or 4 ours at a time!  I think there are a combination of factors contributing to our little problem: I haven't been as diligent scheduling him as I was with the others and allow him to nurse all the time; we are so much busier than we have ever been; the 8 of us live in a two-bedroom house and by default he is still our roommate.  Or maybe he doesn't think he gets enough attention during the day so he figures if he keeps me up at night we'll get more quality time (not a bad survival technique for a sixth man).  

               After more than a week of waking up every 2 or 3 hours I found myself less than cheerful.  That's actually a huge understatement, I have been grumpy and mean and depressed, unmotivated and overwhelmed.  I started thinking postpartum depression was hitting me really late, next I convinced myself I was pregnant again, which I of course obsessed about until 2 pregnancy tests assured me that was not the case.  Then I had a night where I got 7 glorious uninterrupted hours of sleep!  Suddenly, the world was a better place, I was kind again, everything looked better, sounded better, smelled better!

              This got me thinking: Everything is better when you are sleeping; allow me to give a few examples:


                   Screaming Toddlers Fighting Over Every. Little. Thing.
With Sleep:  You gently diffuse the situation, distract, encourage or join in the play and quietly teach them to play together. It drives you crazy but you find yourself praying through the frustration and getting past the moment.

Without Sleep: You unsuccessfully resist the urge to join in the yelling; you rip toys out of hands and threaten to throw every toy they own in the trash, or you lock yourself in the bathroom just to gain enough composure to go back and deal with the situation in a way that will not inspire your neighbors to call CPS.

                   Dirty Dishes, Piles of Laundry, Dirty Floors
With Sleep: You tackle a little at a time throughout the day, finding you have energy to approach each task with cheerfulness, and can even leave a few tasks undone in order to play with the children. You come up with games to get the kids involved and at the end of the night it doesn't look so bad; it's not clean but it's livable.

Without Sleep: You cuss at your husband in your head for not helping you more (even though you know he helps a lot); you scrutinize over every piece of laundry convinced that your kids threw it in the hamper without even wearing it; you feel like a complete failure and convince yourself that your kids will grow up needing countless hours of therapy, and be clinically diagnosed with OCD as a reaction to what a pig sty their house was growing up.

                    Natural Family Planning (Your Sex Life)
With Sleep: You thank God for the beautiful gift of marital love; you marvel at how kind and good it is of God to give you a cycle you can track and you feel optimism when you think about your future with all the kids God wants to give you.  You find you don't recoil when your husband touches you, and you think about how much better sex gets the longer you are married.

Without Sleep: You get dressed as fast as possible, in the bathroom or closet, making sure your husband doesn't see you naked because even though you can't imagine he could find you attractive right now you're pretty sure he would want to have sex if he saw you.  Your husband looks at you with that familiar glance and you want to scream "you want part of me too! All I want is to watch TV or read a book without someone needing something from me for five minutes!" You can't make heads or tails of your stupid cycle and you cry thinking about the possibility of having another baby and resolve that the only sure way to avoid this is to never  have sex  again.

                    Body Image

With Sleep: You're never completely happy with the way you look, but you feel good about the progress you're making losing the baby weight, or maintaining the weight you are.  You are making good food choices and working out and you figure you're doing your best and your'e grateful for your health.  You look at your stomach knowing it will never again regain it's former glory but thank God that your children are the reason it looks the way it does, and you know it was totally worth it.  

Without Sleep: You cry every time you have to put something on that doesn't have an elastic waist and imagine how much happier you were before these little creatures completely destroyed your body (even though you know all you could think about was how much happier marriage and family would make you and you didn't care if it meant you couldn't be skinny anymore).  You figure you're going to be fat forever, and will probably just get pregnant again in 5 minutes so you might as well eat that third brownie, or make the really cheesy enchiladas for dinner again because somehow the smell of them in your kitchen makes you feel better. You compare yourself to every other woman you know and convince yourself that you are the only one who really needs to lose weight and that God must hate you because you have the metabolism of an 80 year old. 

I think I've made my point.  So for all the sleep deprived mothers out there, know you are not alone and for God's sake go take a nap! 

Top 10 Unexpected Joys of Motherhood

              I am working on a more cerebral post that I just can't quite get a handle on (probably because my brain really doesn't work like it used to) so in the mean time I thought I would write a quick list of the most unexpected Joys of Motherhood.

               I knew children would bring me joy but in my ideal pre-mother mind I imagined it would come in very different ways. Really I just underestimated all the little things so, here are ten things my children do (and I am sure there are more but that would require more thinking) that make me surprisingly grateful and happy to be a mom:

10. Laughing at things that are genuinely funny:  I love making people laugh, but my wit is a bit sarcastic and not exactly child-friendly all the time.   Now that some of my kids are getting older I love it when we have a genuine hard laugh, especially if I say something funny and they get it (don't worry, I save all the inappropriate humor for my husband).   Even better is seeing them develop their own sense of humor and making ME laugh. Joy.

9. Hearing the children play nicely together even when they think I am not listening: I don't have to tell you how frustrating it is when all they do is fight, fight, fight but when they stop and actually enjoy one another's company, there is nothing like it!  It's even better when they imagine together and create kingdoms and have Star Wars battles in their room, all without my help!  Joy.

8. Seeing them stick up for each other:  The other day my three year old and two year old were playing with a friend. The other little boy came and took something away from Sophia (2), and Thomas (3) marched right over and said "you don't take that fwom my sista."  He of course applied inappropriate force to get it back but then triumphantly headed right over to his little sister gave her the toy, hugged her and said "here you go Phia."  Sometimes when we are out grocery shopping he holds her hand in the parking lot and gently says "no walk in cars Phia."....Uh, sweet Joy!

7. Seeing them pray for real: Even before I had my own kids there was something beautiful about seeing a child pray. But there is something inexplicably wonderful about seeing your own child talk to God, or tell you with unabashed trust and joy that he will "just pray about it" or that he did pray about it and God answered him.  Hearing their little voices say the Rosary makes me tear up, every time. Beautiful Joy.

6. Seeing them eat vegetables:  It sounds so simple, but who knew that watching a child consume broccoli without puking could make you so happy!  Any meal that doesn't involve screaming and gagging is my favorite meal. Healthy joy.

5. Learning to put their shoes on by themselves and buckle their own seat belt:  These skills will change your life!  When you can say "it's time to go, please get your shoes on" and they can DO it! Wonderful, beautiful joy!  And when you don't have to wade through the crushed goldfish and empty molding juice cups in the car to get their seat belt on, you will start getting places 2 minutes earlier! Ah, efficient joy.

4. When they start thinking of others:  This only started recently for us with our little ones. But it is such a beautiful thing when they begin to discover that they are not the only person on earth, when they start to listen to other peoples needs and respond in love.    A few weeks ago I was sitting on the couch after dinner, folding laundry.  I was talking to my husband and said "my head hurts, I don't think I had enough water after I worked out today."  The next thing I knew my sweet Alexander (7) had climbed up on the counter, gotten a glass, filled it with water and was bringing it to me.  Pure Joy!

3. When they make each other laugh: When my two year old gets in the baby's face and makes a bunch of inexplicable sounds and pets his head and he proceeds to laugh harder and louder then he does for anyone else, because he seems to really know what she's talking about.  Joy.

2. Seeing them love books:  One of my favorite things is when a toddler brings me a book, forces themselves into my lap and says "read this mommy."  It is even better when they get older, find a book, cozy up in a chair and read to themselves!.  Beautiful Joy.

And the number ONE most unexpected source of joy....

When a toddler stops what he is doing, goes into the bathroom, pulls his pants down by himself, and put his big stinky shadoobey in the toilet where it belongs! Unspeakable, priceless, unending JOY!

What are some of your unexpected pleasures of parenting?  It's always good for us to remind each other of the little things because the rest of it is just so easy to complain about!

Peace Be With You

            "Don't be anxious; instead, give thanks in all your prayers and petitions and make your requests known to God. And God's peace which is beyond all understanding will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:6-7).  


              I have heard this scripture literally, hundreds and hundreds of times.  I have heard it in church, seen it stitched on pillows, heard it quoted, sermonized, elaborated on to no end and yet on a daily basis I find it nearly impossible to live.

             Other translations say be anxious for nothing.  And yet, every day I find myself anxious about money, the condition of my house, the condition of my soul, the past, present and future of my children, the laundry, the dishes, the unrelenting need of my family to eat dinner every night....anxious, anxious, anxious.

              Some days are better than others of course. Some days I am Donna Reed vacuuming my immaculate house, in my high heels with a roast in the oven and my perfectly clean children reading in the corner.  Oh, wait that doesn't sound right, more like vacuuming with a child on my hip and a toddler screaming because the vacuum is too loud while another toddler yells at me from the bathroom to come wipe his bottom with the idea of dinner defrosting on the counter.  Still there really are days when none of that fazes me and I feel happy and at peace in this chaotic vocation God has given me.

         But what about all the other days?  We are created to be at peace. Created to be in relationship with the God of Peace and yet so often on this road to holiness we allow the burdens of our vocation to rob us of our peace.  I am slowly  learning not to let that happen, but it takes concerted effort and prayer every day. St. Therese of Lisieux is one of my all time favorite saints because she is always reminding us that it is in the little things that we grow closest to God.  Herein lies the encouraging word of the day for us mothers because our WHOLE JOB consists of little things.  Little things that often go unseen, and even more often unnoticed.  Much of our job is thankless not because our families deliberately take us for granted but because they just can't see the big picture yet.  Particularly for the mothers that only have small children, trust me, it gets better! Our teenage daughter thanks me every time I make dinner!  This is a huge change from the groans I often get from her little siblings.  But her gratitude flows over and they follow suit.  Just think of all the things you never realized your mother did for you until recently when through your tears you find yourself asking how on earth she did it!   So, how do we find peace in the little things?  How do we find holiness and happiness in the minutia of housework and child-rearing?  Or how do you amazing working mom's find peace on the days   you feel divided or guilty or just plain exhausted?  Fr. Jacques Philippe says it perfectly: "If I am still not able to remain at peace when faced with difficult situations, then it is better that I should begin to strive to keep this peace in the easier situations of every day life:

 to quietly and without irritability do my daily chores,  I don't know about you but this is SO hard sometimes!  Today I will not huff and puff and roll my eyes every time another needless mess is made, or I find myself buried in laundry.  I will fold with a smile being grateful my children have clothes and I have a WASHING MACHINE!

 to commit myself to doing each thing well in the present moment without preoccupying myself with what follows,  Definitely easier said then done.  I am always doing one thing with my mind on the 20 other things that remain undone.  I will play with my children and NOT think about how dirty the toilets are while I do it.

to speak peacefully and with gentleness to those around me, and to avoid excessive hurry in my gestures and in the way I climb the stairs!"    This one can be so hard.  Why is it that those sweet angelic faces and innocent eyes can melt our hearts and incite unspeakable rage all within a matter of minutes?  I will be patient and kind to my children and to my husband and I will try not to blow past them to my next task but include them in my day and be at peace with all that goes undone.

            Let's not forget the part of that infamous scripture that tells us to bring our petitions and make our requests known to God.  He is not denying that we have needs and anxieties he is just giving us a more effective way to deal with them.  Our life becomes a prayer and our prayer becomes to align ourselves with God's will (and if your're me your daily prayers include a lot of requests for more grocery money, a bigger house, more energy, and a little more space between babies).   Peace that passes ALL understanding, that definitely sounds better than what happens when I try to do it all myself.

If I had a dollar for every time...

We had one of those weekends "in the world."  Which means we ventured out of our bubble a bit more than usual for the rare dinner out, a  few doctors appointments and errands, and some family fun after which I inevitably want to run as fast as I can back to my bubble, pack all of our things and move to the country somewhere in the middle of nowhere and never deal with the world again.  

But since I can't do that, and since I don't have the mental energy to articulate all that is wrong with the world I will just list the top five things we hear in public and the subsequent answers I wish I could give. Let's just say if they came with monetary compensation I would not be worrying about how to make our paycheck last 5 more days.

1. Are all of these children yours?  No, we borrowed these children from six different families, all of which have the appropriate amount of children and needed a break from the hardship and expense of parenting one little person. I have no idea how they all look so similar; I have no idea why they are all calling me "mom"; no that smell is not coming from us.

2. Don't you know how that happens?/ Don't you own a T.V.?  I hear it has something to do with sex, but we are repressed Catholics who know nothing about that so obviously these children were all immaculately conceived. OR  No we do not own a T.V. and clearly we never leave the bedroom; do you feel inadequate now?

3. Oh my, you sure have your hands full  Thank you for stating the obvious, without the least amount of real concern or admiration; the judgmental sneer really helps drive home how freaked out you are by my "full hands," thankfully my sweet children have no idea that you are commenting on our numbers with disdain.

4. Are you going to have any more? (the gumption of this one really gets me every time)  Of course not, six kids is one thing, but seven that would just be cahraaaazzzyyyy.  We had some real enlightenment come with the last birth and we hate making so many people uncomfortable so we will make sure it never happens again.  By the way do you like the pill, a condom, or did you just opt for sterilization? Oh, I'm sorry is that question too personal? 


5. Your husband must do very well  Well, obviously because the only reason anyone would have this many children is if they could  afford round the clock help while ensuring that each child will get his own room, his own computer, DS, and IPOD, and play piano, violin, soccer and tennis.   Obviously, if we were poor birth control would be the only responsible choice (no, you don't sound like a communist).

I have yet to actually answer these questions this way, but mostly because my children are listening.  I must point out though that for every 10 negative comments, or loaded questions there are usually 2 or 3 nice ones. Some of my favorites include "what a beautiful family," "you are so blessed," "treasure the time they grow up too fast," and "they are so well behaved and fun."   I have never heard of any one looking back and saying they wished they'd had less children but how many times have you heard people wish they'd had more?   I am not saying it's easy, I AM saying it's totally worth it.

Be Careful What you Pray For

                  Do you ever have those moments in prayer, where you find yourself asking for certain virtues, with the utmost sincerity and conviction, sure that you are ready to see God take you to the next level?  Then he starts to answer that prayer and you think "what the hell is going on? When did life get so hard? Does this mean holiness isn't glamorous?

                Last year I was pregnant with my fifth baby (our sixth altogether since our oldest was a super-duper bonus that came with my hubby) and having some rare moment in my inconsistent prayer life where it occurred to me to ask God what virtue I needed to focus on.  The Holy Spirit was kind enough to narrow it down for me and the virtue of humility came to mind.  I decided to recite the Litany of Humility everyday and ask God to show me where I needed to exercise more humility.  Boy, was I in for it!  Little did I realize that the vehicle for my humility was right in front of me the whole time: My almost three-year-old son.
     
               This little gift from God has been a source of humility and holiness for me since the moment he came out.  He was a colicky baby, he is a picky eater, he is willful and defiant in a way that I swore my kids never would be (ha! younger me was so stupid),  and as he approached three, the defiance just got more glaring.  I had been at this parenting game long enough to know that it is a humbling profession, but I swear the second I started praying that litany my son's defiance went to a whole new level and he made me feel like I had never done of this before.
             
                Kids have a way of stripping us down to our truest selves.  And they have a will which means even if your truest self is teaching them to obey they don't have to do it, and often times they won't.  My success or failure is NOT contingent on whether or not they obey, it is contingent on what I DO when they don't, but tell that to a mother on the brink of tears because her toddler just slapped her in the face on the way down to communion.
     
                You can set all the right parameters, have all the reasonable thought-out discipline, the right attitude, the right tone of voice, you can pray the rosary 3 times a day, and still your children will not obey you.  And if you're like me and decide to make a point of asking for humility they will not obey you, loudly, and in public.  Perhaps in a grocery store, screaming "noooo" at the top of their lungs, methodically throwing items from the cart, while man-handling their little sister and adding a stuck-out tongue or some spit just to make the scene complete.   I'll admit it, before I had kids, or even when I just had two (two with pretty easy temperaments I might add) I would have seen this scene and thought "what is wrong with that mother," or "how on earth can she allow him to act that way."  I wish I could go back to the mother's I judged and apologize, or help them, or smile at them with a knowing grin, or pick up some of the crap the kid threw out of the cart (in my scenario, by the way, I left the half-full cart, grabbed my purse, the screaming toddler and the baby and waddled my humiliated self right out the door, then waited until we got home, far from the eyes and ears of anyone who could call CPS on me and laid down the law...oh, but I called my husband crying first).
         
                 My wonderful and dear spiritual director once said to me "you know you're living your vocation when it is, without effort, a constant vehicle of holiness for you."  Because really that is what it's all about: holiness.  And holiness isn't always pretty and it certainly isn't easy, just think of David's words "Let the bones you have crushed rejoice." (emphasis mine) Ouch! Why is God crushing my bones?  Because without that crushing, I think I am better than everybody else and I judge instead of help, or I sneer instead of pray.
         
                  I did actually stop praying the Litany everyday.  I just couldn't handle it.  I do still pray it a few times a week and and ask God to go easy on me, please.  But it did change my perspective on my kids behavior. Granted I still require obedience, and I don't relish the public humiliation that comes with a child that defies me, but when I see people shaking their heads or casting judgement with their squinty eyes I just think "the more aghast you are at my child's behavior the more opportunity you are giving me to grow in holiness, so thank you for the snarls and glares, hopefully we will meet in heaven."

Just thought a visual of my little holiness-maker was in order.  There's a reason God makes them so cute!
Now go hug your holiness-makers and thank God He called you to do this and not empty porta-potties for a living.

Joining the Blogosphere

For at least two years now I have been toying with the idea of entering the blogosphere.  My husband has encouraged it, my friends as well, all asserting that I have something to say, something to add. Of course they could just be encouraging me to take my rambling elsewhere but for the sake of mustering the courage and resolve to do this I will assume that is not the case.

I am a thirty-something stay-at-home Catholic mom of six challenging, wonderful children. The title of this blog is a bit of a commentary of all the things I "used to be" before this grand adventure called parenting.  I find myself often saying "I used to be a writer," "...a singer,"..."a size 6."  But really I wouldn't trade any of those things (well maybe the size 6 bit), for what I am now.  I do however often miss my brain!  Where did it go? Who took it? With each pregnancy and each subsequent new-born coma I am certain brain cells have been lost and I am determined to get them back!  Perhaps this will just be cathartic for me and save my husband thousands of dollars in would-be therapy; perhaps I can encourage other woman who have days, or weeks, when they ask themselves if all this selflessness and sacrifice is really worth it.  Or maybe I can make you feel better about your parenting skills and tactics by revealing how lacking I am in mine.

Either way, we'll see where this goes. For now, thanks for the consideration of reading anything I have to say!

My Job is Harder Than Your Job

            Sometimes I have entire days where I am unshakably preoccupied with how hard my job is.  I wake up (at some ungodly hour, after a tear-inducing insignificant amount of sleep) and think about how hard the day is going to be: breakfast, diapers, clothes, 3 kids out the door, 3 loads of laundry, yesterday's laundry still unfinished, diapers, cleaning, breaking up fights, diapers, nursing, 3 kids in the door, more fights, more nursing, dinner, dishes, baths, homework, reading, praying, bedtime.  It makes me tired just writing it.  Of course in my little litany here I forgot to add nurturing, teaching, laughing, loving, playing and laughing some more.  Why is it so hard to wake up and think of those things?

            And these kinds of days never end well either, because while I spend the day thinking about how hard my day is I also like to consider how much harder  it is than my husband's.  This is monumentally unfair of course since he has to spend his whole day with other people's children, mostly middle school aged children and he has to deal with their parents and  he is required by law and contract to teach them something, and then of course enrich their lives with his selflessness and creativity, going above and beyond his pay grade to make an eternal difference in their lives.  I haven't asked, but something tells me he doesn't wake up thinking of the latter either!

             I notice we sometimes fall into this temptation of self pity, or at least I do, where I am certain that I am giving more, doing more, sacrificing more and he has no idea what my day is like.  What a load of crap.  Granted I am better at all this domestic stuff, and I do endure more crying and poop and snot than he does; I can multi-task better and get more done in a day around the house but none of that means I work harder.  Oh and by the way I chose this job and last I checked I didn't have all 6 kids at one time.  It's a different kind of work and I get to do mine in yoga pants with out a principal checking in on me.  He could just as easily say I have no idea what his day is like, nor do I know the pressure and weight he feels as the sole provider of our home. I can't relate with how hard it is to switch gears when he comes home from a hard day of work and can't even enjoy a quiet ride home because three of the children come and go with him.  I can go an entire day without talking to another adult; he can go an entire day bombarded with adults he'd rather avoid.  

               Bottom line, it does neither of us any good to compare work loads.  It isn't always 50/50.  And wouldn't the devil be so pleased if he could distract me with all this self-pity nonsense just long enough for me to miss the beauty of this vocation and the amazing love that inspires my husband to go to work every day.  Plus, if you aren't in the fox hole with your husband get out now!  None of this is worth it if we can't at the very least appreciate each other, and find solace in our mutual suffering, sacrifice and lack of sleep.  The majority of our kids are small and it will be years before they appreciate what we're doing for them and we don't resent them one bit (well maybe a teensy bit when we're cleaning up their poop, or serving another dinner to thankless groans), because we know they aren't finished yet.  Lately, when I feel the temptation to compare notes on whose day was harder, I stop and think of at least three things I am thankful my husband does for me.  I can always think of more than three, but I'm not finished yet either, so it's good for me to force myself to start small.   It's easy to appreciate the joys of parenting together: the smiles, the I-love-you's, the good report cards and soccer goals.   It takes real effort, prayer and grace to appreciate the thankless side of parenting and be able to wake up each morning glad you're being under appreciated together!