Parenting comes with lots of surprises. We've all found ourselves doing things we swore we would never do; eating our own words as we stick a lollipop in a 2 year-old's mouth, or turn the TV on for just one more show so we can finish the dishes, or dinner, or a thought.
But what about the arsenal of bribes...I mean motivators we have in our back pockets? Every parent has a few. The things you use when you really need results. Here are a few of my favorites and the miraculous results they can produce.
The Dum-Dum: I have high-risk pregnancies, and I am always pregnant, which means I am always at the doctor. My high-risk OB's office brilliantly places a giant jar of Dum-Dum's at the check-out desk. I love the Dum-Dum. It's small but big enough that a three-year-old can't just bite it and be done. It doesn't have anything in the middle, and it requires them to keep their mouth CLOSED to eat it. Brilliant. The kids know that when we leave, Miss Cindy will ask me if they can have one and they know to get it they have to be still, and reasonably quiet and good. It's power is magical. The cons of the Dum-Dum are it's stickiness and the tendency for the sticks to be found days later permanently affixed to the floor of your car...still worth it.
Ice Cream: This is a big one in our family. Ice cream will get extra chores done, dinner eaten, it will cause toddlers to find their dignity and use a toilet. Kids will do almost anything for ice cream! I wish something motivated me as much as ice cream motivates my kids. Sleep...maybe that's it; I would do almost anything if someone promised me uninterrupted sleep as my reward. But I digress. Ice cream can be varying in it's level of reward. For something small like your four-year-old finally eating all his broccoli without throwing up: two scoops out of the ice cream in the freezer. The 2nd grader who gets an A+ on his history test when you know it's his hardest subject: everyone goes to McDonald's for a cone. The three-year-old who finally, after months of tears and begging (on your part) poops in the potty: Frozen Yogurt for everyone with all the toppings you want and we'll even go the place that has the Ipods and let you play on them! This gets the whole family involved; you've never seen a nine-year-old so concerned with his little brother's toilet habits as you will when ice cream is on the line.
Sprite or a Juice Box: As with all motivators you have to walk the fine line between appropriate use and over-use. We used to have juice all the time, until I finally admitted to myself it has no real nutritional value, it's bad for their teeth and it's too dang expensive for 7 kids to be sucking it down all day long. Now I have the juice box. I'll buy one $2.00 pack of Capri-Suns and hide them. Then when I know it's going to be a rough day, or we have tons of errands to run I will present it as their prize. Suddenly, toys are getting put away, the five-year-old's putting shoes on the two-year-old, somebody's pouring my coffee while they do the dishes and thaw out the dinner for the evening....well maybe it doesn't produce that much cooperation, but it's close. For my big kids it's a Sprite, even better if they get the can, like the can is some golden goblet of triumph, they walk around saying "I'm going to get a whole Sprite, mom said I can drink it out of the can." This is also how they know there's a special occasion, a birthday party or a baptism. They'll see Sprite or Juice in the fridge and immediately ask "hey mom, whose coming over for dinner?"
Pizza: Ah, pizza. Remember when you liked pizza? Remember when you even craved it sometimes? Kids ruin pizza for us because we end up eating it way more than we want and way more than we should. There have certainly been times when we have abused this motivator to the point where it has lost all it's motivating power. This is usually when I am 8+ months pregnant and the thought of making dinner, especially on the weekends, makes me curl up into a ball and start crying so my husband quickly smiles and says "maybe we should just get pizza for dinner?" I have a few very picky eaters but they in particular would eat pizza every single meal, every single day forever and be happy. This morning, at 6:30 AM my three-year-old daughter asked me what was for dinner (because I love thinking about dinner while I am making breakfast!) and when I said probably spaghetti, she said "moooom. I don't want bisgetti, I only want pizza." Therein lies it's miraculous power. Unfortunately, pizza is pretty terrible for us, but if it were healthy, they wouldn't want it.
What are your go-to motivators? I stress that I do not like to think of them as bribes which may just be a game of semantics, but the word "bribe" makes me feel like such a bad parent. We're just teaching them that hard work and obedience should be rewarded, that sometimes we do things we don't really like so that we can enjoy something we love. We try to weave in all the virtue and character stuff too, I promise, but sometimes life is messy and you just need to get four kids in and out of the pediatrician's office without getting flagged by CPS, so you load your purse with DUM-DUM's, tell them you'll get pizza for lunch, and make sure you have ice cream in the freezer.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Who has time to pray?
I was thinking back recently, to when I had two children (I deliberately did not say "only" two children, because there is no such thing as "only" when it comes to children: it is ALL hard work and we are often overwhelmed at every stage). I was remembering how much guilt I used to heap on myself, well about everything, but especially about my spiritual life.
Motherhood comes with a ton of pressure, most of which we put on ourselves and when we fall short of the goals we have set, whether we have set them ourselves or have allowed "society" to set them for us, we tend to feel paralyzed by guilt and self-ridicule.
The great irony is that a close relationship with God can save us from all this unnecessary guilt but then when we consider what that entails and the sheer time and energy it will take we're right back to feeling guilty and helpless and now like a loser because we can't even make time for God!
The good news is God knows better than anyone how hard our job is. He is the only one that is with us, in the trenches, all the time. He sees the sleepless nights, the endless line of poopy diapers, the endless noise (happy noise, angry noise, siblings-fighting-again noise), the unclean house, the insistent need for dinner (every.single.night!) even the frustration of not recognizing ourselves in the mirror because these baby humans have ruined the packaging. And yet he does call us to pray, he calls us closer to himself and he offers great rewards for those who draw close to him.
So what are we supposed to do? Let the children run crazy, ignore the dishes, stuff the homework back in the backpack and live a life of contemplative prayer? Unfortunately, no. Although sometimes that sounds super appealing. God did not call you to be a nun or a consecrated he called you to be a mom. Now, I in no way claim to be an expert on spiritual things but here are a few things I've learned in this decade of parenting with my numbers every and rapidly increasing that just might help you if you find yourself wondering "how and when am I supposed to make time to pray!?"
1. Prayer does not have to be contemplative: I think people often envision prayer one of two ways either contemplatively reciting prayers like the Rosary or the Divine Mercy, or seriously storming the gates of heaven with intense personal prayer for your needs and the needs of others. As Catholics we are more inclined to envision the former but I grew up Protestant so there's still a lot of the latter in me too. The truth is there is a place for this kind of prayer and it is necessary and powerful but we don't always have the time or the means to say a whole Rosary (without falling asleep) or to focus long enough on prayer intentions to articulate what it is we are even asking of God. So if this is what's keeping you from praying don't pray like this! Instead:
* Say one Hail Mary every time you change a diaper
* Find a phrase or mantra at the beginning of the day and say it whenever you are frustrated, angry, happy or driving. I often use "Jesus I trust in you," or "May the work of my hands glorify God today."
* Listen to Christian Music or Catholic Radio in the car or while doing things around house. It often just helps remind you why you're doing all this in the first place.
2. Gratitude is a Prayer: Prayer is simply talking to God, staying connected to Him, reminding yourself that you are not alone. Thankfulness is a powerful virtue. Throughout the day we are faced with dozens of choices to be positive or negative, angry or patient, harsh or gentle and we will not always make the right decision. I find in the moments when I making all the wrong decisions that it does my soul some good to start listing what I am grateful for. You can do it on paper, out loud, with your children or in your head but just start thinking of things you are grateful for. The magical thing about gratitude is that it's contagious, it begets more gratitude. When my kids are fighting with each other I make the one who was wronged say 3 things they are grateful for about the other. Then the guilty party has to reciprocate. Now sometimes it takes forever to get anything out of them and sometimes they take the easy way out and say "I am thankful he has me for a brother," but every once in a while you see it redirect the anger, the frustration, and reminds them that they take their siblings for granted. This is a good exercise for everyone in our lives but especially for those closest to us.
3. Our life is a prayer: I know this sounds so deep and super spiritual but it's not really. God gave us life and we have decided to give it back to him, to ask him to guide and direct us to lead us to himself. The vocation he has given us will be our path to heaven. So every day when I wake up and think that I just can't do it today I am reminded that he gave me this life, these children, this income, this body, all that I have is a gift from him and he will give me the grace to manage it all (I especially think of the working mother who carries the burden of her children's formation and uses her gifts in the world. This is NOT easy). Some days we don't feel grateful, we're too busy trying to keep the two-year-old out of the babies poopy diaper that it doesn't occur to us to say a prayer while doing it and we just feel so tired, so worn and constantly needed in a way that exhausts us, and we can't get past how hard it is. This is when you make the everyday action and minutia of your day a prayer. You offer it up to the Lord and say "this is all I have, this will have to do." He will honor that offering because he is our Shepherd and he promised that we will not want.
4. Pray for Others: As women we tend to go crazy comparing ourselves to other people...or at least I do! One thing I have tried doing in the last year or so is when I find myself comparing my life to someone else's because it looks so stinkin' perfect I want to puke, I stop and pray for them. Most of the time I am not entirely sure what to pray for but I just quickly ask God to meet them where they are, in the struggles and sufferings they are facing at the moment and that he give them the desires of their heart. The problem with comparing is that we never really know what's going on in people's lives. The mom in carpool who weighs 90lbs soaking wet even though she just had a baby 3 weeks ago, driving her beautiful normal sized car, bringing home made cupcakes to school and volunteering on the auction committee may look like she has it all together but only God can see the real struggles of her heart. We give the victory to our divisive enemy when we let ourselves judge her or feel sorry for ourselves because we seem to have less. It goes both ways of course. We can also compare ourselves to other people to make ourselves feel better. I try to pray harder for those people and remember that all that we have that is good is a gift from God.
5. Get the Saints involved: One of my favorite things about being Catholic is the beautiful teaching on the communion of the saints. Ask them to pray for you. Find a saint you identify with and talk to them throughout the day. Talk to your guardian angel and ask him or her to bring your needs to the foot of the cross when you just can't. Let their lives, their example, and their humanity be an encouragement to you. They remind us that we are not alone and more importantly that we are not made for this world.
6. Offer it up: This is one of those things I used to hear all the time when I was converting and never really understood. Is it a fancy Catholic way of saying your suffering is not in vain. Your sufferings, big and small are a form of intercession, a form of prayer. Think about Christ on the cross; he endured the ultimate suffering and he did it for our souls. Because he did that, we can suffer with Christ for the souls of others. The wonderful part about this is that Christ is not picky about what we consider suffering. Suffering is a funny thing, and often very relative to a person's individual experience and temperament. Of course there are the big ones, like death and cancer, terminally ill children. abusive spouse and so on. But your daily sufferings can be offered up as well. Your child who won't stop screaming, the endless work of laundry and dinner, your loneliness during the day, your desire to do more outside of the home all of it can be offered up. And we can get specific: offer up every moment when I want to scream at my kids for the children in the world that are abused. Offer up the burden of cooking, for the hungry. You get the picture. This is a beautiful way to allow Our Lord to refine us and it draws us out of ourselves, brings perspective, and most importantly allows us to understand the heart of a loving God. He never asks us to endure that which we cannot handle and often the big trials are bigger then ourselves. He wants us to combine our suffering with prayer to change our lives and the lives of others.
Basically when Paul told the Thessalonians to pray without ceasing he meant we are to live a life of prayer and that can be done myriad of ways. Hopefully some if this helps. If nothing else it reminds me what God has taught me over the years...now I just have to go live it!
Motherhood comes with a ton of pressure, most of which we put on ourselves and when we fall short of the goals we have set, whether we have set them ourselves or have allowed "society" to set them for us, we tend to feel paralyzed by guilt and self-ridicule.
The great irony is that a close relationship with God can save us from all this unnecessary guilt but then when we consider what that entails and the sheer time and energy it will take we're right back to feeling guilty and helpless and now like a loser because we can't even make time for God!
The good news is God knows better than anyone how hard our job is. He is the only one that is with us, in the trenches, all the time. He sees the sleepless nights, the endless line of poopy diapers, the endless noise (happy noise, angry noise, siblings-fighting-again noise), the unclean house, the insistent need for dinner (every.single.night!) even the frustration of not recognizing ourselves in the mirror because these baby humans have ruined the packaging. And yet he does call us to pray, he calls us closer to himself and he offers great rewards for those who draw close to him.
So what are we supposed to do? Let the children run crazy, ignore the dishes, stuff the homework back in the backpack and live a life of contemplative prayer? Unfortunately, no. Although sometimes that sounds super appealing. God did not call you to be a nun or a consecrated he called you to be a mom. Now, I in no way claim to be an expert on spiritual things but here are a few things I've learned in this decade of parenting with my numbers every and rapidly increasing that just might help you if you find yourself wondering "how and when am I supposed to make time to pray!?"
1. Prayer does not have to be contemplative: I think people often envision prayer one of two ways either contemplatively reciting prayers like the Rosary or the Divine Mercy, or seriously storming the gates of heaven with intense personal prayer for your needs and the needs of others. As Catholics we are more inclined to envision the former but I grew up Protestant so there's still a lot of the latter in me too. The truth is there is a place for this kind of prayer and it is necessary and powerful but we don't always have the time or the means to say a whole Rosary (without falling asleep) or to focus long enough on prayer intentions to articulate what it is we are even asking of God. So if this is what's keeping you from praying don't pray like this! Instead:
* Say one Hail Mary every time you change a diaper
* Find a phrase or mantra at the beginning of the day and say it whenever you are frustrated, angry, happy or driving. I often use "Jesus I trust in you," or "May the work of my hands glorify God today."
* Listen to Christian Music or Catholic Radio in the car or while doing things around house. It often just helps remind you why you're doing all this in the first place.
2. Gratitude is a Prayer: Prayer is simply talking to God, staying connected to Him, reminding yourself that you are not alone. Thankfulness is a powerful virtue. Throughout the day we are faced with dozens of choices to be positive or negative, angry or patient, harsh or gentle and we will not always make the right decision. I find in the moments when I making all the wrong decisions that it does my soul some good to start listing what I am grateful for. You can do it on paper, out loud, with your children or in your head but just start thinking of things you are grateful for. The magical thing about gratitude is that it's contagious, it begets more gratitude. When my kids are fighting with each other I make the one who was wronged say 3 things they are grateful for about the other. Then the guilty party has to reciprocate. Now sometimes it takes forever to get anything out of them and sometimes they take the easy way out and say "I am thankful he has me for a brother," but every once in a while you see it redirect the anger, the frustration, and reminds them that they take their siblings for granted. This is a good exercise for everyone in our lives but especially for those closest to us.
3. Our life is a prayer: I know this sounds so deep and super spiritual but it's not really. God gave us life and we have decided to give it back to him, to ask him to guide and direct us to lead us to himself. The vocation he has given us will be our path to heaven. So every day when I wake up and think that I just can't do it today I am reminded that he gave me this life, these children, this income, this body, all that I have is a gift from him and he will give me the grace to manage it all (I especially think of the working mother who carries the burden of her children's formation and uses her gifts in the world. This is NOT easy). Some days we don't feel grateful, we're too busy trying to keep the two-year-old out of the babies poopy diaper that it doesn't occur to us to say a prayer while doing it and we just feel so tired, so worn and constantly needed in a way that exhausts us, and we can't get past how hard it is. This is when you make the everyday action and minutia of your day a prayer. You offer it up to the Lord and say "this is all I have, this will have to do." He will honor that offering because he is our Shepherd and he promised that we will not want.
4. Pray for Others: As women we tend to go crazy comparing ourselves to other people...or at least I do! One thing I have tried doing in the last year or so is when I find myself comparing my life to someone else's because it looks so stinkin' perfect I want to puke, I stop and pray for them. Most of the time I am not entirely sure what to pray for but I just quickly ask God to meet them where they are, in the struggles and sufferings they are facing at the moment and that he give them the desires of their heart. The problem with comparing is that we never really know what's going on in people's lives. The mom in carpool who weighs 90lbs soaking wet even though she just had a baby 3 weeks ago, driving her beautiful normal sized car, bringing home made cupcakes to school and volunteering on the auction committee may look like she has it all together but only God can see the real struggles of her heart. We give the victory to our divisive enemy when we let ourselves judge her or feel sorry for ourselves because we seem to have less. It goes both ways of course. We can also compare ourselves to other people to make ourselves feel better. I try to pray harder for those people and remember that all that we have that is good is a gift from God.
5. Get the Saints involved: One of my favorite things about being Catholic is the beautiful teaching on the communion of the saints. Ask them to pray for you. Find a saint you identify with and talk to them throughout the day. Talk to your guardian angel and ask him or her to bring your needs to the foot of the cross when you just can't. Let their lives, their example, and their humanity be an encouragement to you. They remind us that we are not alone and more importantly that we are not made for this world.
6. Offer it up: This is one of those things I used to hear all the time when I was converting and never really understood. Is it a fancy Catholic way of saying your suffering is not in vain. Your sufferings, big and small are a form of intercession, a form of prayer. Think about Christ on the cross; he endured the ultimate suffering and he did it for our souls. Because he did that, we can suffer with Christ for the souls of others. The wonderful part about this is that Christ is not picky about what we consider suffering. Suffering is a funny thing, and often very relative to a person's individual experience and temperament. Of course there are the big ones, like death and cancer, terminally ill children. abusive spouse and so on. But your daily sufferings can be offered up as well. Your child who won't stop screaming, the endless work of laundry and dinner, your loneliness during the day, your desire to do more outside of the home all of it can be offered up. And we can get specific: offer up every moment when I want to scream at my kids for the children in the world that are abused. Offer up the burden of cooking, for the hungry. You get the picture. This is a beautiful way to allow Our Lord to refine us and it draws us out of ourselves, brings perspective, and most importantly allows us to understand the heart of a loving God. He never asks us to endure that which we cannot handle and often the big trials are bigger then ourselves. He wants us to combine our suffering with prayer to change our lives and the lives of others.
Basically when Paul told the Thessalonians to pray without ceasing he meant we are to live a life of prayer and that can be done myriad of ways. Hopefully some if this helps. If nothing else it reminds me what God has taught me over the years...now I just have to go live it!
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