Selflessness: Not a Popular Choice

          It has been one of those weeks (or maybe months) where it just feels like one onslaught after another. I start to gain some momentum, get on top of things and before I can enjoy the quiet, or the clean, or the money in the bank a tornado of life comes through and leaves noise, dirt, and need in its wake.

         Our days around here are never easy.  Anyone with kids, whether you have one or ten, knows that most days are not your own.  My husband usually starts his day trying, in vain, to pray in the quiet before the real chaos starts but he usually ends up reading his Bible with a fussy baby on his knee, or a hungry three-year- old at his feet, until the poopy two-year-old stumbles in asking for water; and this is all before 6:00 a.m.
Sometimes I feel guilty for how hard it is; like I am not taking in the moment enough (you know, all these perfect toddler moments that people are constantly telling me I am going to miss one day), like it's my fault it's hard because I just have the wrong attitude.

           Sometimes that's true; sometimes I do just need a major attitude adjustment.   But most of the time it's just hard. Life is full of struggle, a tapestry woven with laughter and grief, joy and sorrow, peace and anxiety, success and failure.   The world is constantly reminding me that we didn't have to have so many kids, and I'd be lying if I said I don't sometimes remember with great fondness the simplicity of having two or three, but then I remember that that was super hard too.  It's all about perspective.  And every day I have to remind myself why we do it.  Because it has nothing to do with me.  
         
                 But then there's days like today, when I start out thinking it's the normal amount of hard, squeaking by until the next pay check, but making it, dealing with the dirt and the clutter, and the fatigue.   And then I find out that two of my kids need their tonsils and adenoids out, and we have to pay up front, and no we shouldn't put it off too long; and of course I didn't think to look into all this when the deductible was met in June. So just when we thought we could (maybe) go a year without meeting the deductible (i.e. go a year without having a baby) we will probably meet it in March.  Oh, and they want us to pay up front (?!).   Then I look at my house and the laundry seems dirtier, the floor a new kind of filthy, dinner an unbelievable obstacle in both thought and deed and I can't decide if I should cry or eat the entire tray of brownies my dear friend just gave me in honor of the Feast of the Presentation.

            Then the holy spirit whispers a gentle reminder; "think of the presentation of Our Lord, think of the purification at the temple. All you can do is bring Him what you have; make an offering and He will bless it."  Even if you aren't quite sure about all this holiness talk, if you have kids you are intimately familiar with the act of offering up yourself, everyday, all day long.  Having a family requires selflessness, that's why our culture hates children so much. That's why you're supposed to stop at a respectable number, so you can get your life back.  But I have discovered, since I am so inept at doing this myself, so bad at putting myself last, that if I present it ALL to God, the good, the bad, and the ugly he responds with His life.
           
              Mary didn't have to bring Jesus to the Temple, she knew he was without sin.  She didn't need purification because she too was without sin.  But she humbly did all that was expected of her and all that the law required of her for this child that was Man and God.  We are reminded of the beauty of being reminded of our nothingness, our unworthiness, our need for purification and redemption.  Mary was poor.  All she and Joseph could bring were two small birds, not a lamb or a goat, and yet that was all God required of them even for the presentation of His only Son.

           So what is he asking of me?  What is he asking of us?  To bring what we have, all we have, especially when it doesn't feel like enough, especially when it feels like nothing at all.  I can bring my bad attitude, my self-pity, my frustration, my empty pockets, my dirty house, my children's souls and futures, my marriage and all the weight of this life and I can offer it up.   And I can bring the beautiful, unbelievable gifts and blessings, the really good days, the joy and laughter, the health and happiness. I can bring it all:

I can give Him this smile,

           

And this soul,

And their future,

And their health,

And I can remember that none of it is really mine to give anyway since all of this is just a gift, given by the One who knows me best, given to purify, and refine, and bless.

           I am not at all sure about what God has in mind for us right now; I don't know why it sometimes has to be so hard.  But I do know that he always gives us what we need; usually nothing extra, but always what we need.   I know that our children are not part of the burden but the biggest part of the blessing (even if we do have to spend $5,000 to get some tonsils cut out) and I know that if I look anywhere but Christ and His Church for answers I will only get lost in the impossibility of it all.  At least that's how I feel today.  But I have been at this long enough to know that sometimes the sun sets and a new day dawns and without explanation everything looks a little better and it's not quite as hard as it was the day before.

         

   

Sleep, who needs it?

                  My youngest baby is 7 months old.  Usually, by this time my babies are sleeping soundly through the night (something that has always annoyed many of my friends).  But this little guy just doesn't want to sleep more than 3 or 4 ours at a time!  I think there are a combination of factors contributing to our little problem: I haven't been as diligent scheduling him as I was with the others and allow him to nurse all the time; we are so much busier than we have ever been; the 8 of us live in a two-bedroom house and by default he is still our roommate.  Or maybe he doesn't think he gets enough attention during the day so he figures if he keeps me up at night we'll get more quality time (not a bad survival technique for a sixth man).  

               After more than a week of waking up every 2 or 3 hours I found myself less than cheerful.  That's actually a huge understatement, I have been grumpy and mean and depressed, unmotivated and overwhelmed.  I started thinking postpartum depression was hitting me really late, next I convinced myself I was pregnant again, which I of course obsessed about until 2 pregnancy tests assured me that was not the case.  Then I had a night where I got 7 glorious uninterrupted hours of sleep!  Suddenly, the world was a better place, I was kind again, everything looked better, sounded better, smelled better!

              This got me thinking: Everything is better when you are sleeping; allow me to give a few examples:


                   Screaming Toddlers Fighting Over Every. Little. Thing.
With Sleep:  You gently diffuse the situation, distract, encourage or join in the play and quietly teach them to play together. It drives you crazy but you find yourself praying through the frustration and getting past the moment.

Without Sleep: You unsuccessfully resist the urge to join in the yelling; you rip toys out of hands and threaten to throw every toy they own in the trash, or you lock yourself in the bathroom just to gain enough composure to go back and deal with the situation in a way that will not inspire your neighbors to call CPS.

                   Dirty Dishes, Piles of Laundry, Dirty Floors
With Sleep: You tackle a little at a time throughout the day, finding you have energy to approach each task with cheerfulness, and can even leave a few tasks undone in order to play with the children. You come up with games to get the kids involved and at the end of the night it doesn't look so bad; it's not clean but it's livable.

Without Sleep: You cuss at your husband in your head for not helping you more (even though you know he helps a lot); you scrutinize over every piece of laundry convinced that your kids threw it in the hamper without even wearing it; you feel like a complete failure and convince yourself that your kids will grow up needing countless hours of therapy, and be clinically diagnosed with OCD as a reaction to what a pig sty their house was growing up.

                    Natural Family Planning (Your Sex Life)
With Sleep: You thank God for the beautiful gift of marital love; you marvel at how kind and good it is of God to give you a cycle you can track and you feel optimism when you think about your future with all the kids God wants to give you.  You find you don't recoil when your husband touches you, and you think about how much better sex gets the longer you are married.

Without Sleep: You get dressed as fast as possible, in the bathroom or closet, making sure your husband doesn't see you naked because even though you can't imagine he could find you attractive right now you're pretty sure he would want to have sex if he saw you.  Your husband looks at you with that familiar glance and you want to scream "you want part of me too! All I want is to watch TV or read a book without someone needing something from me for five minutes!" You can't make heads or tails of your stupid cycle and you cry thinking about the possibility of having another baby and resolve that the only sure way to avoid this is to never  have sex  again.

                    Body Image

With Sleep: You're never completely happy with the way you look, but you feel good about the progress you're making losing the baby weight, or maintaining the weight you are.  You are making good food choices and working out and you figure you're doing your best and your'e grateful for your health.  You look at your stomach knowing it will never again regain it's former glory but thank God that your children are the reason it looks the way it does, and you know it was totally worth it.  

Without Sleep: You cry every time you have to put something on that doesn't have an elastic waist and imagine how much happier you were before these little creatures completely destroyed your body (even though you know all you could think about was how much happier marriage and family would make you and you didn't care if it meant you couldn't be skinny anymore).  You figure you're going to be fat forever, and will probably just get pregnant again in 5 minutes so you might as well eat that third brownie, or make the really cheesy enchiladas for dinner again because somehow the smell of them in your kitchen makes you feel better. You compare yourself to every other woman you know and convince yourself that you are the only one who really needs to lose weight and that God must hate you because you have the metabolism of an 80 year old. 

I think I've made my point.  So for all the sleep deprived mothers out there, know you are not alone and for God's sake go take a nap! 

Top 10 Unexpected Joys of Motherhood

              I am working on a more cerebral post that I just can't quite get a handle on (probably because my brain really doesn't work like it used to) so in the mean time I thought I would write a quick list of the most unexpected Joys of Motherhood.

               I knew children would bring me joy but in my ideal pre-mother mind I imagined it would come in very different ways. Really I just underestimated all the little things so, here are ten things my children do (and I am sure there are more but that would require more thinking) that make me surprisingly grateful and happy to be a mom:

10. Laughing at things that are genuinely funny:  I love making people laugh, but my wit is a bit sarcastic and not exactly child-friendly all the time.   Now that some of my kids are getting older I love it when we have a genuine hard laugh, especially if I say something funny and they get it (don't worry, I save all the inappropriate humor for my husband).   Even better is seeing them develop their own sense of humor and making ME laugh. Joy.

9. Hearing the children play nicely together even when they think I am not listening: I don't have to tell you how frustrating it is when all they do is fight, fight, fight but when they stop and actually enjoy one another's company, there is nothing like it!  It's even better when they imagine together and create kingdoms and have Star Wars battles in their room, all without my help!  Joy.

8. Seeing them stick up for each other:  The other day my three year old and two year old were playing with a friend. The other little boy came and took something away from Sophia (2), and Thomas (3) marched right over and said "you don't take that fwom my sista."  He of course applied inappropriate force to get it back but then triumphantly headed right over to his little sister gave her the toy, hugged her and said "here you go Phia."  Sometimes when we are out grocery shopping he holds her hand in the parking lot and gently says "no walk in cars Phia."....Uh, sweet Joy!

7. Seeing them pray for real: Even before I had my own kids there was something beautiful about seeing a child pray. But there is something inexplicably wonderful about seeing your own child talk to God, or tell you with unabashed trust and joy that he will "just pray about it" or that he did pray about it and God answered him.  Hearing their little voices say the Rosary makes me tear up, every time. Beautiful Joy.

6. Seeing them eat vegetables:  It sounds so simple, but who knew that watching a child consume broccoli without puking could make you so happy!  Any meal that doesn't involve screaming and gagging is my favorite meal. Healthy joy.

5. Learning to put their shoes on by themselves and buckle their own seat belt:  These skills will change your life!  When you can say "it's time to go, please get your shoes on" and they can DO it! Wonderful, beautiful joy!  And when you don't have to wade through the crushed goldfish and empty molding juice cups in the car to get their seat belt on, you will start getting places 2 minutes earlier! Ah, efficient joy.

4. When they start thinking of others:  This only started recently for us with our little ones. But it is such a beautiful thing when they begin to discover that they are not the only person on earth, when they start to listen to other peoples needs and respond in love.    A few weeks ago I was sitting on the couch after dinner, folding laundry.  I was talking to my husband and said "my head hurts, I don't think I had enough water after I worked out today."  The next thing I knew my sweet Alexander (7) had climbed up on the counter, gotten a glass, filled it with water and was bringing it to me.  Pure Joy!

3. When they make each other laugh: When my two year old gets in the baby's face and makes a bunch of inexplicable sounds and pets his head and he proceeds to laugh harder and louder then he does for anyone else, because he seems to really know what she's talking about.  Joy.

2. Seeing them love books:  One of my favorite things is when a toddler brings me a book, forces themselves into my lap and says "read this mommy."  It is even better when they get older, find a book, cozy up in a chair and read to themselves!.  Beautiful Joy.

And the number ONE most unexpected source of joy....

When a toddler stops what he is doing, goes into the bathroom, pulls his pants down by himself, and put his big stinky shadoobey in the toilet where it belongs! Unspeakable, priceless, unending JOY!

What are some of your unexpected pleasures of parenting?  It's always good for us to remind each other of the little things because the rest of it is just so easy to complain about!

Be Careful What you Pray For

                  Do you ever have those moments in prayer, where you find yourself asking for certain virtues, with the utmost sincerity and conviction, sure that you are ready to see God take you to the next level?  Then he starts to answer that prayer and you think "what the hell is going on? When did life get so hard? Does this mean holiness isn't glamorous?

                Last year I was pregnant with my fifth baby (our sixth altogether since our oldest was a super-duper bonus that came with my hubby) and having some rare moment in my inconsistent prayer life where it occurred to me to ask God what virtue I needed to focus on.  The Holy Spirit was kind enough to narrow it down for me and the virtue of humility came to mind.  I decided to recite the Litany of Humility everyday and ask God to show me where I needed to exercise more humility.  Boy, was I in for it!  Little did I realize that the vehicle for my humility was right in front of me the whole time: My almost three-year-old son.
     
               This little gift from God has been a source of humility and holiness for me since the moment he came out.  He was a colicky baby, he is a picky eater, he is willful and defiant in a way that I swore my kids never would be (ha! younger me was so stupid),  and as he approached three, the defiance just got more glaring.  I had been at this parenting game long enough to know that it is a humbling profession, but I swear the second I started praying that litany my son's defiance went to a whole new level and he made me feel like I had never done of this before.
             
                Kids have a way of stripping us down to our truest selves.  And they have a will which means even if your truest self is teaching them to obey they don't have to do it, and often times they won't.  My success or failure is NOT contingent on whether or not they obey, it is contingent on what I DO when they don't, but tell that to a mother on the brink of tears because her toddler just slapped her in the face on the way down to communion.
     
                You can set all the right parameters, have all the reasonable thought-out discipline, the right attitude, the right tone of voice, you can pray the rosary 3 times a day, and still your children will not obey you.  And if you're like me and decide to make a point of asking for humility they will not obey you, loudly, and in public.  Perhaps in a grocery store, screaming "noooo" at the top of their lungs, methodically throwing items from the cart, while man-handling their little sister and adding a stuck-out tongue or some spit just to make the scene complete.   I'll admit it, before I had kids, or even when I just had two (two with pretty easy temperaments I might add) I would have seen this scene and thought "what is wrong with that mother," or "how on earth can she allow him to act that way."  I wish I could go back to the mother's I judged and apologize, or help them, or smile at them with a knowing grin, or pick up some of the crap the kid threw out of the cart (in my scenario, by the way, I left the half-full cart, grabbed my purse, the screaming toddler and the baby and waddled my humiliated self right out the door, then waited until we got home, far from the eyes and ears of anyone who could call CPS on me and laid down the law...oh, but I called my husband crying first).
         
                 My wonderful and dear spiritual director once said to me "you know you're living your vocation when it is, without effort, a constant vehicle of holiness for you."  Because really that is what it's all about: holiness.  And holiness isn't always pretty and it certainly isn't easy, just think of David's words "Let the bones you have crushed rejoice." (emphasis mine) Ouch! Why is God crushing my bones?  Because without that crushing, I think I am better than everybody else and I judge instead of help, or I sneer instead of pray.
         
                  I did actually stop praying the Litany everyday.  I just couldn't handle it.  I do still pray it a few times a week and and ask God to go easy on me, please.  But it did change my perspective on my kids behavior. Granted I still require obedience, and I don't relish the public humiliation that comes with a child that defies me, but when I see people shaking their heads or casting judgement with their squinty eyes I just think "the more aghast you are at my child's behavior the more opportunity you are giving me to grow in holiness, so thank you for the snarls and glares, hopefully we will meet in heaven."

Just thought a visual of my little holiness-maker was in order.  There's a reason God makes them so cute!
Now go hug your holiness-makers and thank God He called you to do this and not empty porta-potties for a living.