If I had a dollar for every time...

We had one of those weekends "in the world."  Which means we ventured out of our bubble a bit more than usual for the rare dinner out, a  few doctors appointments and errands, and some family fun after which I inevitably want to run as fast as I can back to my bubble, pack all of our things and move to the country somewhere in the middle of nowhere and never deal with the world again.  

But since I can't do that, and since I don't have the mental energy to articulate all that is wrong with the world I will just list the top five things we hear in public and the subsequent answers I wish I could give. Let's just say if they came with monetary compensation I would not be worrying about how to make our paycheck last 5 more days.

1. Are all of these children yours?  No, we borrowed these children from six different families, all of which have the appropriate amount of children and needed a break from the hardship and expense of parenting one little person. I have no idea how they all look so similar; I have no idea why they are all calling me "mom"; no that smell is not coming from us.

2. Don't you know how that happens?/ Don't you own a T.V.?  I hear it has something to do with sex, but we are repressed Catholics who know nothing about that so obviously these children were all immaculately conceived. OR  No we do not own a T.V. and clearly we never leave the bedroom; do you feel inadequate now?

3. Oh my, you sure have your hands full  Thank you for stating the obvious, without the least amount of real concern or admiration; the judgmental sneer really helps drive home how freaked out you are by my "full hands," thankfully my sweet children have no idea that you are commenting on our numbers with disdain.

4. Are you going to have any more? (the gumption of this one really gets me every time)  Of course not, six kids is one thing, but seven that would just be cahraaaazzzyyyy.  We had some real enlightenment come with the last birth and we hate making so many people uncomfortable so we will make sure it never happens again.  By the way do you like the pill, a condom, or did you just opt for sterilization? Oh, I'm sorry is that question too personal? 


5. Your husband must do very well  Well, obviously because the only reason anyone would have this many children is if they could  afford round the clock help while ensuring that each child will get his own room, his own computer, DS, and IPOD, and play piano, violin, soccer and tennis.   Obviously, if we were poor birth control would be the only responsible choice (no, you don't sound like a communist).

I have yet to actually answer these questions this way, but mostly because my children are listening.  I must point out though that for every 10 negative comments, or loaded questions there are usually 2 or 3 nice ones. Some of my favorites include "what a beautiful family," "you are so blessed," "treasure the time they grow up too fast," and "they are so well behaved and fun."   I have never heard of any one looking back and saying they wished they'd had less children but how many times have you heard people wish they'd had more?   I am not saying it's easy, I AM saying it's totally worth it.