Be Careful What you Pray For

                  Do you ever have those moments in prayer, where you find yourself asking for certain virtues, with the utmost sincerity and conviction, sure that you are ready to see God take you to the next level?  Then he starts to answer that prayer and you think "what the hell is going on? When did life get so hard? Does this mean holiness isn't glamorous?

                Last year I was pregnant with my fifth baby (our sixth altogether since our oldest was a super-duper bonus that came with my hubby) and having some rare moment in my inconsistent prayer life where it occurred to me to ask God what virtue I needed to focus on.  The Holy Spirit was kind enough to narrow it down for me and the virtue of humility came to mind.  I decided to recite the Litany of Humility everyday and ask God to show me where I needed to exercise more humility.  Boy, was I in for it!  Little did I realize that the vehicle for my humility was right in front of me the whole time: My almost three-year-old son.
     
               This little gift from God has been a source of humility and holiness for me since the moment he came out.  He was a colicky baby, he is a picky eater, he is willful and defiant in a way that I swore my kids never would be (ha! younger me was so stupid),  and as he approached three, the defiance just got more glaring.  I had been at this parenting game long enough to know that it is a humbling profession, but I swear the second I started praying that litany my son's defiance went to a whole new level and he made me feel like I had never done of this before.
             
                Kids have a way of stripping us down to our truest selves.  And they have a will which means even if your truest self is teaching them to obey they don't have to do it, and often times they won't.  My success or failure is NOT contingent on whether or not they obey, it is contingent on what I DO when they don't, but tell that to a mother on the brink of tears because her toddler just slapped her in the face on the way down to communion.
     
                You can set all the right parameters, have all the reasonable thought-out discipline, the right attitude, the right tone of voice, you can pray the rosary 3 times a day, and still your children will not obey you.  And if you're like me and decide to make a point of asking for humility they will not obey you, loudly, and in public.  Perhaps in a grocery store, screaming "noooo" at the top of their lungs, methodically throwing items from the cart, while man-handling their little sister and adding a stuck-out tongue or some spit just to make the scene complete.   I'll admit it, before I had kids, or even when I just had two (two with pretty easy temperaments I might add) I would have seen this scene and thought "what is wrong with that mother," or "how on earth can she allow him to act that way."  I wish I could go back to the mother's I judged and apologize, or help them, or smile at them with a knowing grin, or pick up some of the crap the kid threw out of the cart (in my scenario, by the way, I left the half-full cart, grabbed my purse, the screaming toddler and the baby and waddled my humiliated self right out the door, then waited until we got home, far from the eyes and ears of anyone who could call CPS on me and laid down the law...oh, but I called my husband crying first).
         
                 My wonderful and dear spiritual director once said to me "you know you're living your vocation when it is, without effort, a constant vehicle of holiness for you."  Because really that is what it's all about: holiness.  And holiness isn't always pretty and it certainly isn't easy, just think of David's words "Let the bones you have crushed rejoice." (emphasis mine) Ouch! Why is God crushing my bones?  Because without that crushing, I think I am better than everybody else and I judge instead of help, or I sneer instead of pray.
         
                  I did actually stop praying the Litany everyday.  I just couldn't handle it.  I do still pray it a few times a week and and ask God to go easy on me, please.  But it did change my perspective on my kids behavior. Granted I still require obedience, and I don't relish the public humiliation that comes with a child that defies me, but when I see people shaking their heads or casting judgement with their squinty eyes I just think "the more aghast you are at my child's behavior the more opportunity you are giving me to grow in holiness, so thank you for the snarls and glares, hopefully we will meet in heaven."

Just thought a visual of my little holiness-maker was in order.  There's a reason God makes them so cute!
Now go hug your holiness-makers and thank God He called you to do this and not empty porta-potties for a living.