One wonders if after an absence this long I should just start a whole new blog, but all the work has been done here and so I will attempt to just pick up where I left off.
Too much has happened in that absence to even begin to go into it all, but perhaps the gripping title gives you an idea of the desert I have been walking through.
We have all been there. we cling to the promises of His Word, we fall at the foot of the cross and leave there the desires of our hearts (Ps 37:4), which he has promised us; we beg for the "good" that he promises will come of our anguish (Rom. 8:28), we peer through the hot tears looking for the joy that is supposed to greet us in the morning (Ps 30:5), and yet often we are greeted by another dark night, walking again through the valley of the shadow of death.
What do we do when the joy doesn't come? What do we cling to when we feel we have lost everything? We cling to his Promises, not because we are fools, not because we are delusional, but because we literally cannot endure a single loss, wound, or sorrow that He did not willingly endure for us first.
We are in the season of Lent. A season where we look inward, where we attempt to silence the world around us, and consider not just our sinfulness, not just our need for a Savior, but the great undeserving gift of his sacrifice. His choice to be scourged, crowned with thorns and crucified.
The last two years have been very difficult for me and my family. We buried a beautiful baby boy, and subsequently lost two more tiny babies; babies we begged for, babies we desired with all of our hearts. And yet they are whole and perfect in heaven and our arms our empty. But in our grief, in our great loss and confusion His promises sustain us. When death overwhelms us, when pain is unrelenting we have to choose to trust, to believe, to persist. Jesus had to choose. He sweat blood in the garden because he had full knowledge of the suffering that awaited him. He asked his perfect, loving Father to take the cup. But the desires of Jesus's heart were synonymous with those of the Father, and so he took the cup and he drank from it.
I have railed against heaven in my grief. I have begged to see the glass more clearly so that I can understand. But what I have learned, is that ultimately what God asks is that like His son, we say even on our brokenness, even if it is covered in fear, "not my will, but yours be done." There are many more promises in the Bible that assure us he sees our suffering. He saves our tears, (Ps56:8), he counts the hairs on our heads, (Luke 12:7) he has made a place with many rooms where there will be no suffering, no pain and all that has been lost on earth will be restored in heaven. We cannot pick and choose the promises that bring us comfort or appeal to our sense of what we think God is calling us to. The ultimate promise, the only one that matters, is the promise of his death and Resurrection, the promise that he will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead and His kingdom will have no end.
In the meantime, He longs for us to be at peace. He was at peace in the garden, even while blood came out of his pores. He was at peace on the cross when he forgave us for all our sins, for our unbelief for our selfishness. I have been walking with the Lord a long time. It has been a life of many sorrows, many losses and a tremendous amount of physical pain but I can honestly say He is a God who keeps his promises. Because amidst that pain I have known unspeakable joy, and the blessings of my life far outweigh the things that have hurt me. And the promise I cling to the most is that what I see now only in part I will one day see the whole. He tells us again and again to come confidently to his throne, that we may receive mercy and grace in our time of need (Heb 4:16).
The challenge we will always face on earth is our great desire to control our lives. Often my desires are good, selfless, holy but that does not make them the will of God. Until our prayer truly is that of Jesus in the Garden, or Mary at the Annunciation we will lack peace. The good news is God is so patient and kind. And I find that if we overwhelm our souls with gratitude his peace comes more quickly.
Eventually, like the Psalmist we will be able to say that the bones God has broken rejoice (Ps 51:8), or like James we will count it all joy when we suffer (James 1:2), or like my favorite Old Testament figure, Job, we will be able to say "Though he slay me, yet I will hope in Him." Job13:15
Monday, March 6, 2017
Monday, September 22, 2014
Quick Morning Thought
"No one who lights a lamp conceals it with a vessel or sets it under a bed; rather, he places it on a lamp stand so that those who enter may see the light. For there is nothing hidden that will not become visible, and nothing secret that will not be known and come to light. Take care, then, how you hear. To anyone who has, more will be given, and from the one who has not, even what he seems to have will be taken away" Luke 8:16-18
This morning while I was trying to read the gospel for the day and provide myself with some focus, I was struck with the malleable beauty of scripture. The Divine Word has a way of speaking infallible truth while also allowing the Holy Spirit to meet us exactly where we are.
There was a time in my life I may have read the "nothing hidden that will not become visible" line as an admonishment that all sin and fault will come to light, and certainly that is one aspect of Christ's teaching, but today it was as if the Holy Spirit, knowing what my days look like, knowing all the thankless tasks that like before me, was reminding me that all I do in secret will one day be known.
So as you clean up the mess from the weekend, picking up socks and dirty underwear, finding smelly towels in the corners of boys' bedrooms, planning your meals, stocking the fridge, and changing the baby's diapers, remember that even though no one may notice what you do now, Our Lord sees all the effort, all the sacrifice and all the love. The less praise we receive in this life, the more we will be rewarded in heaven.
So hold that torch high! God has entrusted us all, mothers, fathers, working or staying at home to be a bearer of light for our families and in return that light will spread and our children will carry it for the world.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Kids are Too Expensive: One More Reason to Stop all This Procreation Nonsense
"How do you afford all those kids?"
If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me this question, I could have another kid.
Next to the typical knee-jerk, inappropriate "do you own a TV" questions, this is the most frequent question I get from people when they see me with my brood.
I often get the loaded comments like "your husband must do very well," or "you must be able to afford a lot of help." I am never quite sure what to make of these comments since they could be taken one of two ways.
Either I am rich and that kind of justifies our foolhardy approach to family planning, OR we can't actually "afford" the children we have and we are short-sighted idiots who haven't read any recent statistics about what it actually costs to have a kid. Oh, and we're probably on food stamps.
I am not saying raising children is cheap, but the numbers that float around these days are completely exorbitant and another mechanism of a world controlled by fear and selfishness.
If you Google "how much does it cost to raise a child" the standard number that comes up is about $250,000. That means that in order to raise our family, assuming we aren't foolish enough to make any more people, would cost us about 2 million dollars. If our income stays where it is, my husband would have to work at least 40 additional years to even come close. Guess he can retire when he's 80; oh, but wait, the kids will all be in college by the time he's 53, so I guess we need to give 3 or 4 of them back.
My question became what method are we using to come up with this daunting number? This number that scares people away from procreating, convinces them that trips to the beach, nice cars and solid 401K's are more important then even replacing ourselves.
I found this graph on one website that gives us a handy-dandy breakdown of every dreaded penny you will have to spend if you decide it's worth the risk of procreating. Now, keep in mind graphs like this one are fairly consistent online, and in the small print they tell you this is the cost of raising one child out of two. In other words, no one considers the money that might actually be saved in subsequent children when you have the luxury of re-using things. It also assumes a two-income family wtih the expense of childcare, especially in the first 4 years, being a huge portion of the overall cost. Saying nothing of working mom's vs. stay-at-home mom's, I think it's interesting that the assumption is that these children will be in daycare almost immediately even though mother's who chose to stay home are on the rise.
My husband is a teacher at a small private school. According to modern culture we can in no way "afford" all these kids, and yet without any government assistance, all our basic needs have always been met. This is not to say in any way that it is easy, or that we don't worry about money but here's a few things I have figured out as baby after baby came without a rise in pay.
1. Breastfeeding is free- I don't want to start a debate on breastfeeding, but I was never so grateful that my body made every bit of nourishment my baby needed then when I had my first baby and my husband was unemployed for 6 months.
2. Family, family, family- I am the first to say that I am incredibly blessed that we have an amazing support system with family all around us and I realize how lucky I am. This is something we have really lost in our current culture, a sense of being connected to our families, tethering ourselves to them for the sake of our livelihood and sanity. For centuries it was assumed that when you began your family it would be with your mother and mother-in-law, and a slew of siblings and cousins close by. I realize this isn't always possible and of course in some cases not even desirable, but if you don't have family nearby you have to find a community to belong to: a church, a mom's group, something. Raising children is hard work whether you are raising one or ten and worrying about having to pay someone every time you step out on an errand alone will break you in more ways then just financially. My husband and I made a conscious decision to stay near our families even if it meant turning down jobs with more money. That has been scary at times and always something we had to pray a lot about, but there is so much more to the survival of a family then just monetary comfort. We need each other.
3. Kids do not need everything they want- This is the crux of the problem we face as a culture convinced children are too expensive. Technology has certainly changed the game on this one. I remember saving my pennies to get a Walkman for $25, now kids feel the need for an iPhone in 2nd grade, so by 4th grade they've worn their parents down. This article purports that the average age a child is getting a cell phone is 11, and so between 11-22 you will spend over $10,000 just on their cell phone expenses! This figure was not considered in the previous graphs as far as I can tell, so I suppose with this new "need" we should expect the number to keep climbing. Children need to learn the difference between a want and a need. This is something my mother used to make us do all the time when we were growing up as missionaries: "do you want it or do you need it?" she would ask again and again. Of course I torture my children with the same question, but my fear is that no one else is asking our kids to think this way. For a myriad of reasons parents are afraid to say "no" to their children and many have convinced themselves that if their children don't have everything they want the parent is failing in some way. Children are spoiled and catered to, they expect instant gratification and know little to nothing of gratitude or hard work. Not your children of course, but other people's. How much of what we buy our kids do they actually need?
4. We pay for activity and exercise- I am all for kids playing soccer, or learning to play an instrument in fact these are things we have to forgo sometimes because of financial issues and I wrestle with guilt about it. But then I remember that my kids play outside all the time, and they play soccer almost every day, with each other, in the back yard. I do wish we could afford music lessons, but we find other ways to expose them to music on a daily basis. I am all for raising well-rounded kids, but kids today are so over-scheduled and busy they never just build a fort out of cardboard in the back yard, or God-forbid learn what it's like to have nothing to do, and have to come up with something on their own. I grew up poor, watching my friends do things I couldn't afford. It was hard, and I know my kids might feel the sting of that sometimes (although my kids are by no means poor), but it in no way makes me wish there were less of them and it never seems to occur to them either. Life is disappointing and unfair, I am grateful I live in a country where soccer is all they're giving up. Watching our kids be disappointed by what they are going without is a perfect time to teach them how to be grateful for what they have.
5. What you can afford is entirely relative- If there's anything these statistics and numbers tell us, it's that wealth is a very relative term. We hear people say that they're "broke" or "strapped" all the time, while they drive one of two cars, pull it into the driveway of their over-sized home (fully equipped with running water and electricity!), and complain about how "expensive" their kids are as the little leeches wear their clean clothes, rubbing their full bellies, and bob their little heads up and down to the sound of Frozen coming from the DVD player in their car, on the way to Gymnastics. We have come to expect a certain level of comfort, and we have convinced ourselves that if we can't keep up with the Jones's we're failing, or depriving our children of some right. This is not to say that people don't struggle, but often times we simply aren't willing to cut the costs of what we see as needs, when really we are just drowning in stuff we want. What I have noticed is that most people find a way to spend what they have, and if you have less you spend less, so why are we so quick to give up more children before we give up the other things?
6. This is all very personal so never assume you know why people have small families- This is more a caveat then anything else. I truly believe all I have said and that as a Western culture we have truly lost sight of the value of children. We no longer see them as priceless, something to be treasured but rather something to "fit in" to our 10 year plans, and cover with our sound investments, send them off to college without the "burden" of work. We have lost sight of all the invaluable gifts they bring with them, not the least of which is having people to share the burden of caring for us when we can no longer care for ourselves. But we also have to be careful to judge the small family, especially the small affluent one, who may not have chosen to be so few.
There were definitely times I thought we were crazy for having another baby and it is a constant act of trust in God to see all the needs of our family met, but I could talk for hours about how God has met every.single.one. He will not be outdone in generosity and a new life is never a burden. He promises us again and again that he will supply all of our needs and sometimes his timing is tricky to understand, but he always sustains us and most of the time he gives us much more than we actually need.
My husband is a teacher at a small private school. According to modern culture we can in no way "afford" all these kids, and yet without any government assistance, all our basic needs have always been met. This is not to say in any way that it is easy, or that we don't worry about money but here's a few things I have figured out as baby after baby came without a rise in pay.
1. Breastfeeding is free- I don't want to start a debate on breastfeeding, but I was never so grateful that my body made every bit of nourishment my baby needed then when I had my first baby and my husband was unemployed for 6 months.
2. Family, family, family- I am the first to say that I am incredibly blessed that we have an amazing support system with family all around us and I realize how lucky I am. This is something we have really lost in our current culture, a sense of being connected to our families, tethering ourselves to them for the sake of our livelihood and sanity. For centuries it was assumed that when you began your family it would be with your mother and mother-in-law, and a slew of siblings and cousins close by. I realize this isn't always possible and of course in some cases not even desirable, but if you don't have family nearby you have to find a community to belong to: a church, a mom's group, something. Raising children is hard work whether you are raising one or ten and worrying about having to pay someone every time you step out on an errand alone will break you in more ways then just financially. My husband and I made a conscious decision to stay near our families even if it meant turning down jobs with more money. That has been scary at times and always something we had to pray a lot about, but there is so much more to the survival of a family then just monetary comfort. We need each other.
3. Kids do not need everything they want- This is the crux of the problem we face as a culture convinced children are too expensive. Technology has certainly changed the game on this one. I remember saving my pennies to get a Walkman for $25, now kids feel the need for an iPhone in 2nd grade, so by 4th grade they've worn their parents down. This article purports that the average age a child is getting a cell phone is 11, and so between 11-22 you will spend over $10,000 just on their cell phone expenses! This figure was not considered in the previous graphs as far as I can tell, so I suppose with this new "need" we should expect the number to keep climbing. Children need to learn the difference between a want and a need. This is something my mother used to make us do all the time when we were growing up as missionaries: "do you want it or do you need it?" she would ask again and again. Of course I torture my children with the same question, but my fear is that no one else is asking our kids to think this way. For a myriad of reasons parents are afraid to say "no" to their children and many have convinced themselves that if their children don't have everything they want the parent is failing in some way. Children are spoiled and catered to, they expect instant gratification and know little to nothing of gratitude or hard work. Not your children of course, but other people's. How much of what we buy our kids do they actually need?
4. We pay for activity and exercise- I am all for kids playing soccer, or learning to play an instrument in fact these are things we have to forgo sometimes because of financial issues and I wrestle with guilt about it. But then I remember that my kids play outside all the time, and they play soccer almost every day, with each other, in the back yard. I do wish we could afford music lessons, but we find other ways to expose them to music on a daily basis. I am all for raising well-rounded kids, but kids today are so over-scheduled and busy they never just build a fort out of cardboard in the back yard, or God-forbid learn what it's like to have nothing to do, and have to come up with something on their own. I grew up poor, watching my friends do things I couldn't afford. It was hard, and I know my kids might feel the sting of that sometimes (although my kids are by no means poor), but it in no way makes me wish there were less of them and it never seems to occur to them either. Life is disappointing and unfair, I am grateful I live in a country where soccer is all they're giving up. Watching our kids be disappointed by what they are going without is a perfect time to teach them how to be grateful for what they have.
5. What you can afford is entirely relative- If there's anything these statistics and numbers tell us, it's that wealth is a very relative term. We hear people say that they're "broke" or "strapped" all the time, while they drive one of two cars, pull it into the driveway of their over-sized home (fully equipped with running water and electricity!), and complain about how "expensive" their kids are as the little leeches wear their clean clothes, rubbing their full bellies, and bob their little heads up and down to the sound of Frozen coming from the DVD player in their car, on the way to Gymnastics. We have come to expect a certain level of comfort, and we have convinced ourselves that if we can't keep up with the Jones's we're failing, or depriving our children of some right. This is not to say that people don't struggle, but often times we simply aren't willing to cut the costs of what we see as needs, when really we are just drowning in stuff we want. What I have noticed is that most people find a way to spend what they have, and if you have less you spend less, so why are we so quick to give up more children before we give up the other things?
6. This is all very personal so never assume you know why people have small families- This is more a caveat then anything else. I truly believe all I have said and that as a Western culture we have truly lost sight of the value of children. We no longer see them as priceless, something to be treasured but rather something to "fit in" to our 10 year plans, and cover with our sound investments, send them off to college without the "burden" of work. We have lost sight of all the invaluable gifts they bring with them, not the least of which is having people to share the burden of caring for us when we can no longer care for ourselves. But we also have to be careful to judge the small family, especially the small affluent one, who may not have chosen to be so few.
There were definitely times I thought we were crazy for having another baby and it is a constant act of trust in God to see all the needs of our family met, but I could talk for hours about how God has met every.single.one. He will not be outdone in generosity and a new life is never a burden. He promises us again and again that he will supply all of our needs and sometimes his timing is tricky to understand, but he always sustains us and most of the time he gives us much more than we actually need.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
"All Things Work Together For Good": Not Just a Trite Expression
When my husband was 17 yrs old he found out his girlfriend was pregnant.
They were not in love they we're not well suited for each other; they would not have chosen to be connected to each other for the rest of their lives. He was a "good" boy from a wonderful Catholic home, no one would have expected this, most would hardly believe it. And yet the many small decisions that led to one bigger decision suddenly had a new baby soul as it's witness. That young 16 year old mom would suddenly be the "pregnant girl." Her senior year would forever be remembered as the year she had a baby and the vision of her future would be altered forever.
I thank God everyday that those two scared teenagers chose life.
I thank God that that young boy stayed to be her father and that her mother sacrificed her own desires to stay and be her mother.
Because when that little girl was five years old I began the journey of learning to be her mother too.
There's more to say about that then I can include in this post, but I can say, from the very beginning God gave me a peace, that this was his gift to me as well. Granted it came with myriad of other challenges and her mother and I had to learn how to respect and acknowledge the other, and my husband had to feel the sting of his past decisions resurface on occasion, and become a facet of our marriage. But just because it was not the way God would have had them do things, did not stop him from redeeming the situation. We felt the ramifications more heavily sometimes than others, but above all we always knew that God was protecting this sweet soul.
There were many times when we didn't think we'd make it. The road was long between that day in September when her teenage parents welcomed her into the world and that day in May when she walked across a stage to get her diploma.
She could have been such a mess. She could have raged against God or joined her mom in simply not believing in him.
But I believe that at the moment that beautiful girl was conceived in her beautiful mother's womb, that God was giddy with excitement and had plans and purposes that he knew would show the world that all things really can work together for good, that there is nothing he cannot transform with his great love. He chose to honor the simple "yes" those teenagers made to her life and he has done extraordinary things.
There were many nights her dad and I cried out to God to show us how to love her better, how to meet her needs and mend her hurts. She always felt divided, the way children always will when their parents aren't together. She had two very different homes, different worlds. One where God was the center and one were God was not spoken of. She had a world with a single mom trying to make ends meet and another one with a dad having a new baby almost every year. But the immeasurable joy she brought into our lives was trans-formative for me, for her siblings, and for our marriage.
Although we were always very involved in her life she made the decision as a young woman to come live with us, and her mother painstakingly gave her over to us at 15. I can only imagine this was a much harder decision than the decision to keep her when she herself was just a child. She bravely let her come explore new possibilities, and a different kind of home. I will always be grateful to her for that second selfless choice. It is every mother's worst nightmare that her child would chose to leave and yet she let her go, and she never hated me for being her other mother.
Last month our daughter graduated with many academic awards and a very special award called the Integer award. In her speech to receive that award through all the hot tears streaming down my face, all I could think was "God, you are really showing off." Not only has this young woman graduated, but she has excelled and most importantly, she is a kind, compassionate, thoughtful soul.
My beautiful daughter stood on that stage a woman, and articulated her great love for God. A God whom she learned had accepted her just as she was, a God who mended her hurts and revealed to her the many blessings in her life. She stood there, whole and happy, successful and strong but most importantly she stood there knowing how hard it was to get there. She has seen me bear and birth 6 children, she knows vividly what it must have been like for her brave mother to have her. She understands in a unique way, the sacredness of life. She knows her dad chose her and cared for her before he knew what he was doing and she saw me choose her and take her as my own when I took her dad as my flesh.
And eventually she realized that ALL of that was the love of God, that God chose her as well. That love her dad has always shown, the days he fed and rocked her as a baby, the daily calls he made when she was in Middle School and trying to disappear into herself, the privileges he took away once she lived here and just couldn't get in the swing of things, was a clear and beautiful reflection of the love of her heavenly Father; somewhere along the way she chose to let Christ love her too.
It's impossible when we are in the eye of the storm to know that the calm is coming. And sometimes the "all things good" won't be clear at all this side of heaven but when we just say "yes," weakly, begrudgingly, questioningly, we allow God to take control and give him the opportunity to show off a little. He will never be outdone in generosity. He will never be outdone in love.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
The Master Bathroom: A Win for Mother's Hygiene
***Let me first apologize for my super long absence. As my few, sweet faithful readers know I was suffering with debilitating migraines throughout the year and spent the better part of 2014 so far in bed. I am very happy to say that I am doing much better and that God in his infinite wisdom ( and through the help of a fabulous acupuncturist) has given me my life back, so I am hoping to get back into writing and maybe even be able to post more than once a month! ***
My husband and I recently moved into our very own hotel suite.
Well, technically it's the master bedroom of our home. When we moved out of our two bedroom, 1000 sq ft house in Dallas and moved into this magical 2700 sq ft home I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Still, two + years later, not a day goes by that I don't stop and say "thank you" for the space. But when we first moved in my saintly mother moved in with us and rightfully took the massive master suite as her new mini apartment.
She moved out in June and although we miss he terribly, my husband and I are loving the master bedroom. You can walk around the bed without having to brace yourself on a wall, we can fit all our lovely bedroom furniture given to us when we got married that has always been split up and crammed in corners. It's beautiful and clean (for now) and I am reminded every time I walk into it that it's nothing but a blessing as I have seen entire families in other countries live in less space.
But what has really changed my life is the master bathroom!
Who knew that having your own sink and a toilet not sprayed with little boy urine could make a girl so happy....and clean! At the risk of losing my friends I will admit to you that I am lucky if I shower three times a week, and forget brushing my teeth every night (do people still do that? Is that a thing?). All these years I had been chalking my less-than-ideal hygiene up to my lack of time and motivation both sucked out of me from 7 tiny (priceless and treasured) leeches ....but it turns out, if you give me a bathroom without blue toothpaste in the sink and the ever-faint (or not-so-faint) smell of urine on the floor, then I might actually find a reason to go in there even when it isn't absolutely necessary.
And oh the glory of getting ready for church without four boys pushing me over to get the combs and gel while the baby risks a run to the burn unit of the hospital as he pulls on the cord of my curling iron one-too-many times. Or, did you know it IS possible to pee by yourself? If you slip off to the bathroom not within ear shot of the playroom or living room TV they might not know you left and you just might get to pee alone. If your smart and bring your phone with you, you might even be able to check your email while you're at it. It's a revolution!
We have only been in this room for three weeks and I have brushed my teeth almost every one of those nights, I think I even flossed once or twice. It is also revolutionizing my marriage that we have a master bathroom with a door that discreetly closes off the toilet so that I can wash my face without watching my husband pee. I have actually started using the eye creams and balms that I felt compelled to by in some vain attempt to revive the taut, wrinkle-free skin of my youth. Not sure how that will pan out, but at least I'm not sleeping in my make-up anymore.
Already the little gremlins have tried following my back here, and sometimes I let them but many times I have told them to get out and give me a minute in my hotel, because if there's anything I've learned in my 13 or so years of parenting it's that they're not going to die if you shut the door and pee alone and sometimes five minutes of alone time, wherever it is, just might save your life (or one of theirs!).
My husband and I recently moved into our very own hotel suite.
Well, technically it's the master bedroom of our home. When we moved out of our two bedroom, 1000 sq ft house in Dallas and moved into this magical 2700 sq ft home I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Still, two + years later, not a day goes by that I don't stop and say "thank you" for the space. But when we first moved in my saintly mother moved in with us and rightfully took the massive master suite as her new mini apartment.
She moved out in June and although we miss he terribly, my husband and I are loving the master bedroom. You can walk around the bed without having to brace yourself on a wall, we can fit all our lovely bedroom furniture given to us when we got married that has always been split up and crammed in corners. It's beautiful and clean (for now) and I am reminded every time I walk into it that it's nothing but a blessing as I have seen entire families in other countries live in less space.
But what has really changed my life is the master bathroom!
Who knew that having your own sink and a toilet not sprayed with little boy urine could make a girl so happy....and clean! At the risk of losing my friends I will admit to you that I am lucky if I shower three times a week, and forget brushing my teeth every night (do people still do that? Is that a thing?). All these years I had been chalking my less-than-ideal hygiene up to my lack of time and motivation both sucked out of me from 7 tiny (priceless and treasured) leeches ....but it turns out, if you give me a bathroom without blue toothpaste in the sink and the ever-faint (or not-so-faint) smell of urine on the floor, then I might actually find a reason to go in there even when it isn't absolutely necessary.
And oh the glory of getting ready for church without four boys pushing me over to get the combs and gel while the baby risks a run to the burn unit of the hospital as he pulls on the cord of my curling iron one-too-many times. Or, did you know it IS possible to pee by yourself? If you slip off to the bathroom not within ear shot of the playroom or living room TV they might not know you left and you just might get to pee alone. If your smart and bring your phone with you, you might even be able to check your email while you're at it. It's a revolution!
We have only been in this room for three weeks and I have brushed my teeth almost every one of those nights, I think I even flossed once or twice. It is also revolutionizing my marriage that we have a master bathroom with a door that discreetly closes off the toilet so that I can wash my face without watching my husband pee. I have actually started using the eye creams and balms that I felt compelled to by in some vain attempt to revive the taut, wrinkle-free skin of my youth. Not sure how that will pan out, but at least I'm not sleeping in my make-up anymore.
Already the little gremlins have tried following my back here, and sometimes I let them but many times I have told them to get out and give me a minute in my hotel, because if there's anything I've learned in my 13 or so years of parenting it's that they're not going to die if you shut the door and pee alone and sometimes five minutes of alone time, wherever it is, just might save your life (or one of theirs!).
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Ashes, Fasting, and Penance: What do we Really Want our Kids to Get out of Lent?
Every year at this time, as we enter into a season of self-giving and penance in preparation for Our Lord's crucifixion, I am always full of grand ideas for the family. We will pray more, fast even when it isn't prescribed, give up sweets, video games, TV, and bathing in hot water. All the children will sleep on the floor in hair shirts, and every penny of their allowance will go to the poor. I will never yell. Every craft will be Lent themed with purple construction paper, and mournful remembrance. We will be holy damn it, and God will be pleased.
It is typical for us humans to start these forty days with great vigor and purpose. It's similar to New Year's when we set out to change everything we think needs changing only to set ourselves up for failure. As always, our kids are watching, and the longer I go about this parenting mine field, the more I realize that simple is better.
Focus is good, crafts are nice, penance is necessary but what do we really want our kids to learn during Lent? I don't want them growing up just thinking that there was this weird part of every year, sometime around Spring Break, where we didn't do anything fun and felt guilty every time we ate a cupcake.
So here are a few things I've learned about celebrating Lent as a family (yes celebrating, we are joyfully entering into a time of sacrifice with Our Lord in expectation of his Resurrection).
Create a Visual Reminder: Come up with one or two ways to remind your kids that we are in a special season of the Liturgical year. I used to go crazy with crafts and things, over doing it so much that it was just too much and so we never kept up with any of it. Now, like many families I know, we have settled on a simple "Crown of Thorns" on the dining room table. We place toothpicks in the crown and every time one of the children does an act of kindness, or a small sacrifice he or she can take the "thorn" out. This keeps them focused and motivated but it also reminds them that they can relieve Jesus's suffering by participating in it. No, giving up a cookie is not the same as dying on a cross, but offering it up because Jesus died on the cross will mean something to them (eventually).
*** For the little kids instead of the sharp toothpicks I cut out a simple cross on purple construction paper and they get to glue a cotton ball to it for their sacrifices, making a soft place for Jesus. Even a two-year old likes this and you can let him do it for something as simple as bringing you a diaper.
Ask your kids what they think they should give up: As my two older boys grow in their faith it is very humbling to see them decide what they should give up. They are often more focused and deliberate about it then I am and they are incredibly resolute once they've chosen their sacrifice. However it is also our job as parents not to allow them to be too scrupulous or unrealistic and talk to them about why we are doing any of this in the first place. Help them get to confession, go as a family if you can, and keep the focus on God's forgiveness and love.
Pray together: This is so simple, and yet so hard to do sometimes. Our lives are so busy, evenings are difficult when you have many small children (or any children) and stopping to pray can just seem downright impossible. But Lent is a wonderful time to force yourselves to stop and pray as a family. Don't commit to a full Rosary every night if you know you won't make it, just decided that you will say some prayers as a family and go from there. This also provides a wonderful opportunity to talk about examination of conscience, and what God has taught us through Lent so far. Of course sometimes it's just a Hail Mary with a baby screaming, a toddler dancing and your five-year-old making faces forcing everyone to contain their laughter but at least your praying.
Teach them Virtues not Rules: It's important that we all stick to our commitments but it's most important that we learn something and grow in virtue. We are just here to facilitate whatever God wants to do in their lives. We can learn so much from their spiritual innocence and facilitate a proper understanding of God's grace and our unworthiness of it. What's most important is that we foster an atmosphere of gratitude for God's ultimate sacrifice and take every opportunity to focus on his Love.
When my kids look back on their life at home and their many seasons of Lent in this house I hope they remember it fondly as a time when they learned about the immense love of God, a time when they learned to think less about themselves and more about others. I hope they realize that Lent is when they learned they could bring their suffering to the foot of the cross, that the forgiving power of Christ's sacrifice makes every kind of suffering valuable. Most of all I hope Lent teaches them that we are not made for this world, that this world can be harsh, and painful and unjust but that all is made bearable by the light of the Cross. They will suffer, and hurt, and we cannot change that, we can't shield them from it so isn't it better to teach them what to do with it? If they learn now to bring their sufferings, as little as they are, to Christ then later on they will bring the big ones. They will bring the ones brought on by an unjust and fallen world and more importantly the ones caused by their own sinfulness. Then we will have given them the greatest gift of all, a gift that will eventually put them in the presence of the One who suffered all things. Then we will all rejoice together, without pain, regret or tears as we bask in the presence of his perfect Love.
It is typical for us humans to start these forty days with great vigor and purpose. It's similar to New Year's when we set out to change everything we think needs changing only to set ourselves up for failure. As always, our kids are watching, and the longer I go about this parenting mine field, the more I realize that simple is better.
Focus is good, crafts are nice, penance is necessary but what do we really want our kids to learn during Lent? I don't want them growing up just thinking that there was this weird part of every year, sometime around Spring Break, where we didn't do anything fun and felt guilty every time we ate a cupcake.
So here are a few things I've learned about celebrating Lent as a family (yes celebrating, we are joyfully entering into a time of sacrifice with Our Lord in expectation of his Resurrection).
Create a Visual Reminder: Come up with one or two ways to remind your kids that we are in a special season of the Liturgical year. I used to go crazy with crafts and things, over doing it so much that it was just too much and so we never kept up with any of it. Now, like many families I know, we have settled on a simple "Crown of Thorns" on the dining room table. We place toothpicks in the crown and every time one of the children does an act of kindness, or a small sacrifice he or she can take the "thorn" out. This keeps them focused and motivated but it also reminds them that they can relieve Jesus's suffering by participating in it. No, giving up a cookie is not the same as dying on a cross, but offering it up because Jesus died on the cross will mean something to them (eventually).
*** For the little kids instead of the sharp toothpicks I cut out a simple cross on purple construction paper and they get to glue a cotton ball to it for their sacrifices, making a soft place for Jesus. Even a two-year old likes this and you can let him do it for something as simple as bringing you a diaper.
Ask your kids what they think they should give up: As my two older boys grow in their faith it is very humbling to see them decide what they should give up. They are often more focused and deliberate about it then I am and they are incredibly resolute once they've chosen their sacrifice. However it is also our job as parents not to allow them to be too scrupulous or unrealistic and talk to them about why we are doing any of this in the first place. Help them get to confession, go as a family if you can, and keep the focus on God's forgiveness and love.
Pray together: This is so simple, and yet so hard to do sometimes. Our lives are so busy, evenings are difficult when you have many small children (or any children) and stopping to pray can just seem downright impossible. But Lent is a wonderful time to force yourselves to stop and pray as a family. Don't commit to a full Rosary every night if you know you won't make it, just decided that you will say some prayers as a family and go from there. This also provides a wonderful opportunity to talk about examination of conscience, and what God has taught us through Lent so far. Of course sometimes it's just a Hail Mary with a baby screaming, a toddler dancing and your five-year-old making faces forcing everyone to contain their laughter but at least your praying.
Teach them Virtues not Rules: It's important that we all stick to our commitments but it's most important that we learn something and grow in virtue. We are just here to facilitate whatever God wants to do in their lives. We can learn so much from their spiritual innocence and facilitate a proper understanding of God's grace and our unworthiness of it. What's most important is that we foster an atmosphere of gratitude for God's ultimate sacrifice and take every opportunity to focus on his Love.
When my kids look back on their life at home and their many seasons of Lent in this house I hope they remember it fondly as a time when they learned about the immense love of God, a time when they learned to think less about themselves and more about others. I hope they realize that Lent is when they learned they could bring their suffering to the foot of the cross, that the forgiving power of Christ's sacrifice makes every kind of suffering valuable. Most of all I hope Lent teaches them that we are not made for this world, that this world can be harsh, and painful and unjust but that all is made bearable by the light of the Cross. They will suffer, and hurt, and we cannot change that, we can't shield them from it so isn't it better to teach them what to do with it? If they learn now to bring their sufferings, as little as they are, to Christ then later on they will bring the big ones. They will bring the ones brought on by an unjust and fallen world and more importantly the ones caused by their own sinfulness. Then we will have given them the greatest gift of all, a gift that will eventually put them in the presence of the One who suffered all things. Then we will all rejoice together, without pain, regret or tears as we bask in the presence of his perfect Love.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
I Have Seen the Face of God and It's in my Fridge
It's been a very rough couple of weeks.
My migraines have entered a whole new stratosphere of persistent pain. It has been reminiscent of the pain I experienced after my second son was born. The migraines got worse and worse until it just wouldn't break at all, for anything. And it persisted for 15 months before we found relief. The problems are hormonal, this much we know and we are currently trying the one thing that worked back then and oddly enough we have not had the same success. I am older, my doctor tells me, and have had four more babies since then, so I must be patient.
Meanwhile, I haven't been able to get out of bed for almost three weeks. Migraines are so hard to explain and I find that most people just can't understand, and that's okay. For me it is like an ice pick lodged in my right eye with pain radiating out from there. Or like a "brain freeze" headache that persists, without relief, for days on end. Light, noise, motion, all these things make it worse and all these things are plentiful in a house full of children. Laundry piles up, messes collect in corners, and worst of all I see it wear on my family. My children are frazzled and sad and confused, my husband is stoically hanging on but I can tell he is exhausted and worried.
On Friday I had to miss something at school that was very important to both my older boys. My joy-filled-never-discouraged nine year old left the house fighting back tears and the injustice weighed so heavily on me I thought I would die. It's a constant battle between faith and hopelessness, a constant dialogue in my mind with God, wrestling with the angel if you will, trying to accept what God has allowed, and knowing that it in no way changes who He is, how good he is, or how present he is in our lives.
Then, in the most beautiful and overwhelming way he spoke. Not in a bush, or with writing on my wall, not with an angel, or a vision, but with the outpouring of the love of others. I have an amazing community, one full of generous and selfless, holy people who are ready and willing to be the hands and feet of Christ. One email went out and within hours, hundreds of people were praying, storming heaven for my healing, for the strength of my family. But beyond that people began to act. By the next day I had hundreds of dollars worth of food in my house, meals for days to be frozen, and a dozen more people promising to bring food in the coming days. It is so much more than just food. It is a resounding reminder that we are not alone, that God never intends for us to suffer alone, but that he calls us to stand together, to hope for those who cannot hope, to believe for those who are too tired to believe. Through my suffering he has provided an opportunity to reveal more about himself, to show us his amazing goodness.
My most overwhelming response to this kind of charitable goodness, after gratitude, is unworthiness. I cannot fathom what would compel people to be so kind, so generous and thoughtful and giving, for I am so undeserving. And then like a bolt of lighting, it strikes my consciousness. this is how God loves us. We do not deserve one ounce of his love and yet it is always there. This is what he requires of us, to love the way he loves, and why in Matthew 25:40 he reminds us that everything we do "for the least of these" we do for him, to him. I am overwhelmed with the love I feel from others, some I know and love dearly, some I have only met once or twice, and yet they allow themselves to be Jesus to me, to my family, to my precious children.
And although I wish I could get up and carry on, a part of me realizes that what my children are learning from this is far more valuable than anything my presence can give them. They are learning how it feels to receive a gift they do not deserve, just as we must allow ourselves to accept the love of God, a love we will never fully comprehend and never be worthy of. They have seen what selfless giving looks like, what it means to take care of one another, they are seeing the Body of Christ in action and whether they can express it or not it has changed them. They are learning that God always provides for us, that he gives us strength and hope when we are in need of it, and that he promises to bring good out of every suffering. Because this pain not only effects me, but also my family, we are learning to offer it up together, to pray for others who might benefit from what we are giving up and in turn seeing what people are willing to give up for us.
We have so much to be thankful for. I know that this is but a season, and I pray that it is not a long one. I am grateful that this is all I have to suffer as so many suffer so much worse. I am not dying, my children aren't having to say goodbye to me, they just have to be without me a bit more for right now. I am so glad that they can see that we are not alone, and I hope if they learn nothing else for now that they are at least a little in awe of people's generosity and that in time they will begin to see that this is how Jesus loves them, with such inexhaustible generosity and love, a love they don't deserve but a love that will always be available to them, a love that is worth suffering for, a love that suffered all things first. I feel we have been given a little taste of heaven, a reminder that one day we will all be together, singing "Holy, Holy, Holy" in unison with the angels, and all of this will be but a breath.
God bless all those who are the hands and feet of Jesus.
My migraines have entered a whole new stratosphere of persistent pain. It has been reminiscent of the pain I experienced after my second son was born. The migraines got worse and worse until it just wouldn't break at all, for anything. And it persisted for 15 months before we found relief. The problems are hormonal, this much we know and we are currently trying the one thing that worked back then and oddly enough we have not had the same success. I am older, my doctor tells me, and have had four more babies since then, so I must be patient.
Meanwhile, I haven't been able to get out of bed for almost three weeks. Migraines are so hard to explain and I find that most people just can't understand, and that's okay. For me it is like an ice pick lodged in my right eye with pain radiating out from there. Or like a "brain freeze" headache that persists, without relief, for days on end. Light, noise, motion, all these things make it worse and all these things are plentiful in a house full of children. Laundry piles up, messes collect in corners, and worst of all I see it wear on my family. My children are frazzled and sad and confused, my husband is stoically hanging on but I can tell he is exhausted and worried.
On Friday I had to miss something at school that was very important to both my older boys. My joy-filled-never-discouraged nine year old left the house fighting back tears and the injustice weighed so heavily on me I thought I would die. It's a constant battle between faith and hopelessness, a constant dialogue in my mind with God, wrestling with the angel if you will, trying to accept what God has allowed, and knowing that it in no way changes who He is, how good he is, or how present he is in our lives.
Then, in the most beautiful and overwhelming way he spoke. Not in a bush, or with writing on my wall, not with an angel, or a vision, but with the outpouring of the love of others. I have an amazing community, one full of generous and selfless, holy people who are ready and willing to be the hands and feet of Christ. One email went out and within hours, hundreds of people were praying, storming heaven for my healing, for the strength of my family. But beyond that people began to act. By the next day I had hundreds of dollars worth of food in my house, meals for days to be frozen, and a dozen more people promising to bring food in the coming days. It is so much more than just food. It is a resounding reminder that we are not alone, that God never intends for us to suffer alone, but that he calls us to stand together, to hope for those who cannot hope, to believe for those who are too tired to believe. Through my suffering he has provided an opportunity to reveal more about himself, to show us his amazing goodness.
My most overwhelming response to this kind of charitable goodness, after gratitude, is unworthiness. I cannot fathom what would compel people to be so kind, so generous and thoughtful and giving, for I am so undeserving. And then like a bolt of lighting, it strikes my consciousness. this is how God loves us. We do not deserve one ounce of his love and yet it is always there. This is what he requires of us, to love the way he loves, and why in Matthew 25:40 he reminds us that everything we do "for the least of these" we do for him, to him. I am overwhelmed with the love I feel from others, some I know and love dearly, some I have only met once or twice, and yet they allow themselves to be Jesus to me, to my family, to my precious children.
And although I wish I could get up and carry on, a part of me realizes that what my children are learning from this is far more valuable than anything my presence can give them. They are learning how it feels to receive a gift they do not deserve, just as we must allow ourselves to accept the love of God, a love we will never fully comprehend and never be worthy of. They have seen what selfless giving looks like, what it means to take care of one another, they are seeing the Body of Christ in action and whether they can express it or not it has changed them. They are learning that God always provides for us, that he gives us strength and hope when we are in need of it, and that he promises to bring good out of every suffering. Because this pain not only effects me, but also my family, we are learning to offer it up together, to pray for others who might benefit from what we are giving up and in turn seeing what people are willing to give up for us.
We have so much to be thankful for. I know that this is but a season, and I pray that it is not a long one. I am grateful that this is all I have to suffer as so many suffer so much worse. I am not dying, my children aren't having to say goodbye to me, they just have to be without me a bit more for right now. I am so glad that they can see that we are not alone, and I hope if they learn nothing else for now that they are at least a little in awe of people's generosity and that in time they will begin to see that this is how Jesus loves them, with such inexhaustible generosity and love, a love they don't deserve but a love that will always be available to them, a love that is worth suffering for, a love that suffered all things first. I feel we have been given a little taste of heaven, a reminder that one day we will all be together, singing "Holy, Holy, Holy" in unison with the angels, and all of this will be but a breath.
God bless all those who are the hands and feet of Jesus.
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