Ashes, Fasting, and Penance: What do we Really Want our Kids to Get out of Lent?

Every year at this time, as we enter into a season of self-giving and penance in preparation for Our Lord's crucifixion, I am always full of grand ideas for the family.  We will pray more, fast even when it isn't prescribed, give up sweets, video games, TV, and bathing in hot water. All the children will sleep on the floor in hair shirts, and every penny of their allowance will go to the poor. I will never yell. Every craft will be Lent themed with purple construction paper, and mournful remembrance. We will be holy damn it, and God will be pleased.

It is typical for us humans to start these forty days with great vigor and purpose. It's similar to New Year's when we set out to change everything we think needs changing only to set ourselves up for failure.  As always, our kids are watching, and the longer I go about this parenting mine field, the more I realize that simple is better.

Focus is good, crafts are nice, penance is necessary but what do we really want our kids to learn during Lent?  I don't want them growing up just thinking that there was this weird part of every year, sometime around Spring Break, where we didn't do anything fun and felt guilty every time we ate a cupcake.

So here are a few things I've learned about celebrating Lent as a family (yes celebrating, we are joyfully entering into a time of sacrifice with Our Lord in expectation of his Resurrection).

Create a Visual Reminder: Come up with one or two ways to remind your kids that we are in a special season of the Liturgical year. I used to go crazy with crafts and things, over doing it so much that it was just too much and so we never kept up with any of it.  Now, like many families I know, we have settled on a simple "Crown of Thorns" on the dining room table. We place toothpicks in the crown and every time one of the children does an act of kindness, or a small sacrifice he or she can take the "thorn" out.   This keeps them focused and motivated but it also reminds them that they can relieve Jesus's suffering by participating in it. No, giving up a cookie is not the same as dying on a cross, but offering it up because Jesus died on the cross will mean something to them (eventually).
                     *** For the little kids instead of the sharp toothpicks I cut out a simple cross on purple construction paper and they get to glue a cotton ball to it for their sacrifices, making a soft place for Jesus. Even a two-year old likes this and you can let him do it for something as simple as bringing you a diaper.

Ask your kids what they think they should give up: As my two older boys grow in their faith it is very humbling to see them decide what they should give up. They are often more focused and deliberate about it then I am and they are incredibly resolute once they've chosen their sacrifice. However it is also our job as parents not to allow them to be too scrupulous or unrealistic and talk to them about why we are doing any of this in the first place. Help them get to confession, go as a family if you can, and keep the focus on God's forgiveness and love.

Pray together: This is so simple, and yet so hard to do sometimes. Our lives are so busy, evenings are difficult when you have many small children (or any children) and stopping to pray can just seem downright impossible. But Lent is a wonderful time to force yourselves to stop and pray as a family. Don't commit to a full Rosary every night if you know you won't make it, just decided that you will say some prayers as a family and go from there. This also provides a wonderful opportunity to talk about examination of conscience, and what God has taught us through Lent so far. Of course sometimes it's just a Hail Mary with a baby screaming, a toddler dancing and your five-year-old making faces forcing everyone to contain their laughter but at least your praying.

Teach them Virtues not Rules: It's important that we all stick to our commitments but it's most important that we learn something and  grow in virtue.  We are just here to facilitate whatever God  wants to do in their lives.  We can learn so much from their spiritual innocence and facilitate a proper understanding of God's grace and our unworthiness of it.  What's most important is that we foster an atmosphere of gratitude for God's ultimate sacrifice and take every opportunity to focus on his Love.

When my kids look back on their life at home and their many seasons of Lent in this house I hope they remember it fondly as a time when they learned about the immense love of God, a time when they learned to think less about themselves and more about others. I hope they realize that Lent is when they learned they could bring their suffering to the foot of the cross, that the forgiving power of Christ's sacrifice makes every kind of suffering valuable.  Most of all I hope Lent teaches them that we are not made for this world, that this world can be harsh, and painful and unjust but that all is made bearable by the light of the Cross. They will suffer, and hurt, and we cannot change that, we can't shield them from it so isn't it better to teach them what to do with it?  If they learn now to bring their sufferings, as little as they are, to Christ then later on they will bring the big ones. They will bring the ones brought on by an unjust and fallen world and more importantly the ones caused by their own sinfulness. Then we will have given them the greatest gift of all, a gift that will eventually put them in the presence of the One who suffered all things. Then we will all rejoice together, without pain, regret or tears as we bask in the presence of his perfect Love.