The Fine Line Between Motivation and Bribery

Parenting comes with lots of surprises. We've all found ourselves doing things we swore we would never do; eating our own words as we stick a lollipop in a 2 year-old's mouth, or turn the TV on for just one more show so we can finish the dishes, or dinner, or a thought.

But what about the arsenal of bribes...I mean motivators we have in our back pockets?  Every parent has a few. The things you use when you really need results.  Here are a few of my favorites and the miraculous results they can produce.

The Dum-Dum:  I have high-risk pregnancies, and I am always pregnant, which means I am always at the doctor.  My high-risk OB's office brilliantly places a giant jar of Dum-Dum's at the check-out desk.   I love the Dum-Dum.  It's small but big enough that a three-year-old can't just bite it and be done.  It doesn't have anything in the middle, and it requires them to keep their mouth CLOSED to eat it. Brilliant.  The kids know that when we leave, Miss Cindy will ask me if they can have one and they know to get it they have to be still, and reasonably quiet and good.  It's power is magical. The cons of the Dum-Dum are it's stickiness and the tendency for the sticks to be found days later permanently affixed to the floor of your car...still worth it.

 Ice Cream:  This is a big one in our family. Ice cream will get extra chores done, dinner eaten, it will cause toddlers to find their dignity and use a toilet. Kids will do almost anything for ice cream!  I wish something motivated me as much as ice cream motivates my kids. Sleep...maybe that's it; I would do almost anything if someone promised me uninterrupted sleep as my reward. But I digress. Ice cream can be varying in it's level of reward. For something small like your four-year-old finally eating all his broccoli without throwing up: two scoops out of the ice cream in the freezer. The 2nd grader who gets an A+ on his history test when you know it's his hardest subject: everyone goes to McDonald's for a cone.  The three-year-old who finally, after months of tears and begging (on your part) poops in the potty: Frozen Yogurt for everyone with all the toppings you want and we'll even go the place that has the Ipods and let you play on them!  This gets the whole family involved; you've never seen a nine-year-old so concerned with his little brother's toilet habits as you will when ice cream is on the line.

Sprite or a Juice Box: As with all motivators you have to walk the fine line between appropriate use and over-use.  We used to have juice all the time, until I finally admitted to myself it has no real nutritional value, it's bad for their teeth and it's too dang expensive for 7 kids to be sucking it down all day long.  Now I have the juice box.  I'll buy one $2.00 pack of Capri-Suns and hide them. Then when I know it's going to be a rough day, or we have tons of errands to run I will present it as their prize.  Suddenly, toys are getting put away, the five-year-old's putting shoes on the two-year-old, somebody's pouring my coffee while they do the dishes and thaw out the dinner for the evening....well maybe it doesn't produce that much cooperation, but it's close.  For my big kids it's a Sprite, even better if they get the can,  like the can is some golden goblet of triumph, they walk around saying "I'm going to get a whole  Sprite, mom said I can drink it out of the can."  This is also how they know there's a special occasion, a birthday party or a baptism. They'll see Sprite or Juice in the fridge and immediately ask "hey mom, whose coming over for dinner?"

Pizza: Ah, pizza. Remember when you liked pizza? Remember when you even craved it sometimes? Kids ruin pizza for us because we end up eating it way more than we want and way more than we should.  There have certainly been times when we have abused this motivator to the point where it has lost all it's motivating power. This is usually when I am 8+ months pregnant and the thought of making dinner, especially on the weekends, makes me curl up into a ball and start crying so my husband quickly smiles and says "maybe we should just get pizza for dinner?"  I have a few very picky eaters but they in particular would eat pizza every single meal, every single day forever and be happy.  This morning, at 6:30 AM my three-year-old daughter asked me what was for dinner (because I love thinking about dinner while I am making breakfast!) and when I said probably spaghetti, she said "moooom. I don't want bisgetti, I only want pizza."  Therein lies it's miraculous power. Unfortunately, pizza is pretty terrible for us, but if it were healthy, they wouldn't want it.

What are your go-to motivators?  I stress that I do not like to think of them as bribes which may just be a game of semantics, but the word "bribe" makes me feel like such a bad parent.  We're just teaching them that hard work and obedience should be rewarded, that sometimes we do things we don't really like so that we can enjoy something we love.  We try to weave in all the virtue and character stuff too, I promise, but sometimes life is messy and you just need to get four kids in and out of the pediatrician's office without getting flagged by CPS, so you load your purse with DUM-DUM's, tell them you'll get pizza for lunch, and make sure you have ice cream in the freezer.