The Best Laid Plans

                     It's been a while since I've written anything on my blog. This is a gross understatement since it's been over a year!

                     There are myriad of reasons why I stopped, one being that I had a long discussion about blogs one night with some good friends (most or none of whom knew I blogged) and everyone's general opinion of the practice was that it was narcissistic, irresponsible and embarrassing...at least most of the time, ha! So that rang in my head a bit.

                      However, while I was consistent with the practice I had so many people encourage me and ask me to write more so that wasn't really all it was.

                       I got pregnant. That's really what happened. After posts about the beauty of the Church's teaching and my gratitude for NFP, even if sometimes it meant hiding naked in my closet I found myself unexpectedly, you've-got-to-be-kidding-me pregnant.

                      I avoiding writing because I was not in a great place. I was angry, I was sad, I was confused. I wanted more children but there were so many reasons why it was not a good time. It wasn't my time.  My health is not great and we had been determined to get things under control before the next baby.  My husband is a teacher so needless to say we're not exactly stock piling college funds for the 6 we already have and I was watching my husband work three jobs most of the time still wondering how he could "really" provide for us.  Then there's the issue of the six souls I am faced with forming, nurturing, getting to heaven! 
It made good sense to wait a while. This was also the consensus of practically everyone we know as well, especially family and those closest to us in our lives.

                    But there it was, big fat positive test. Big fat lying chart. I won't walk you through the whole grueling experience but let's just say I wasn't really okay about this baby until he got here.

                     The pregnancy was brutal, as all of them have been in their own way. But some of the wonderfully placed priests and spiritual leaders in my life encouraged me over and over (like once a week as I cried in the confessional!) that God had a plan, that all His plans are good, and that everything was going to be okay.  My spiritual director just kept telling me to offer up every part of the suffering, emotional and physical for some intention or intentions; that God cannot ignore the cries of His children, especially when he has called them to suffer, and there is power in sacrificial prayer.

                     So many good things came out of this season of my life. The best of which is of course the baby that we now cannot even imagine for one second living our lives without. But as always God gives so much more than we deserve.  Here are just a few other things he gave me in the process:

Compassion: I love babies. Up to this point I had always gotten pregnant deliberately and convinced myself it was my idea.  Finding myself pregnant when I felt I had no resources to handle it: physically, emotionally, financially, made me feel so much compassion for women who find themselves in this situation everyday. It made me realize that I had always been too judgmental about woman who consider or go through with abortion. I did not consider an abortion but I sure as hell understood how a woman alone, afraid and unformed who has not been taught the real value of a life, and the goodness of a forgiving God could convince herself that abortion is the answer.  I began to pray for those women in a way I had never been able to before.

Perspective: This one took awhile but eventually I was able to see not only the great gift of this life but the lives of all these little people running around screaming and messing up my house. Not that I had never thought of them as gifts before but the word "gift" began to change for me. With the "planned" babies we felt somehow responsible: "look at us so open to life; we love God's gifts."  But this little guy was not our idea. But isn't that what a gift really is? An unexpected, thoughtful, perfect blessing given by someone else.  This doesn't mean of course that planning babies is bad, or that spacing babies is bad in fact that can be a beautiful gift in itself as it requires it's own sacrifice,  but it does mean that when we say as Catholics that we remain open to life we really mean it. We remain open to the gifts of God whether that be the gift of space and time or the gift of another soul in the kingdom of heaven.   This must be the hardest for those who cannot have babies when they want them; something I think must be a much deeper suffering than my own, because it is the constant reminder that life is just that, a gift, not a commodity, not something we pick out for ourselves, something only God can give.

Joy: Every time I am pregnant there are those irreplaceable and indescribable moments when you realize a brand new soul is growing inside of you and moving and breathing and he or she (usually he in my case) will have a vocation, a destiny and the ability to participate in the kingdom of God. Now I'd love to paint the picture that my whole pregnancy is full of this perspective but that would be a lie. This pregnancy brought with it morning (afternoon and evening) sickness. a ridiculously weakened immune system that caught 4 colds, 8 stomach viruses and eventually pneumonia that resulted in a chronic labor-inducing cough. So, most of the time "joy" was not the word I would have used to describe how I felt.  Still, the mystery of life was present and with it the gratitude and awe that come when we realize what God is allowing us to participate in it and that is pure joy.

Gratitude and the Power of Prayer: This is the big one. This is where I am now. I am so grateful for the precious, perfect life that came out of God's perfect will in spite of my terrible attitude, in spite of my inability to see God's goodness right away. I followed the advice of my spiritual leaders and offered up every moment of the pregnancy for the intentions of others especially some dear to me who are pleading with God to give them a baby, for the souls of all our children that they would find their way to heaven and (somewhat selfishly) for the temperament of the baby I was carrying. I have two very strong-willed boys, one of whom was only 18 months old when this little guy made his debut and I just knew that I couldn't handle another one. I prayed that the baby would be mellow and sleep, and be easy and happy and delightful to be around. This wasn't necessary of course, God didn't have to answer this prayer but he did. He is by far the easiest baby I have ever had. My second son was really easy too but God went a step further on the mellow vibe with this little guy. I never had to bounce him or walk him to get him to stop crying; he has never cried for more than 2 minutes! He is cheerful and happy ALL the time; will let anyone hold him and sleeps, nurses and eats like a pro.  I don't say this to make you hate me (although all you dear mothers of colicky children are allowed to!) but to testify to the sweet goodness of God. He transformed my suffering and my anger and my doubt into a beautiful gift, a gift that looks up at me and melts my heart every day, a gift that brings joy and laughter into our home, a gift that can even make the stubborn 2 year old stop what he is doing and selflessly love his baby brother.  A gift that has humbled me, transformed our family forever and shown us the goodness of a loving God.

Everyday I thank God for interrupting our best laid plans. This life he has given us is not easy, it's not supposed to be. We've already started using NFP again, this time with even more determination and caution and I do hope that God gives us more time this time.  We know we have a responsibility to these souls and we want to be good stewards, the best we can be and we are grateful to the Church and the minds within it that there are resources available to us that can help us do that.   I do not see another baby in our immediate or even distant future but I know more than ever that God is really the one in control and that His ways are not my ways, but His ways are always good.