It struck me recently while having dinner with a group of women that our minds are so disordered we have become completely incapable of seeing ourselves the way we really are, but we can appreciate and even exaggerate beauty in others without a second thought. These women are some of the most beautiful women I know and I often imagine what I would look like if I had the time and resources they have to commit to my personal appearance: gym memberships, trainers, nutritionists, childcare. But even they are left feeling like they have to explain why they are "letting" themselves eat a tortilla chip. We are so imprisoned to this idea of beauty that we can't even eat any more without feeling guilty (consider how often Christ draws our attention to the importance of eating, feasting and fellowship. It is meant to be a gift). And then there's all the unhealthy and obsessive comparison that echoes through the chamber of our minds while in the presence of other women: "her waist is so much smaller than mine," "how does she make her arms look so fit?" "I wish my legs looked like that," "I never look like that 3 months after I have a baby," "I nurse my baby too, but I stay fat to do it" And then I think about how unfair it is that so and so has had just as many kids as me and yet she weighs 20 pounds less, or I work out five days a week and count my calories but skinny minny over there eats whatever she wants and says she never exercises. Oh, the cruel injustice, the pure suffering! My. Life. Is. So. Hard.
Or am I just creating this suffering for myself? Is this a cross I just keep fashioning and schlepping around, praying that God will take it from me but resolved that the only "right" answer to that prayer is to make me look like Jennifer Aniston? Of course at this stage in my life I don't care about looking like a celebrity (any more), but I battle to get the looming image of my 22 year-old self out of my head.
I think we have to ask ourselves two questions:
Who set this ridiculous standard? and Who am I disappointing if I don't live up to it?
And the answer to both, is ME.
My husband thinks I am beautiful. I know he genuinely, wholeheartedly thinks that I am gorgeous, and breathtaking, sexy, and strong and perfect just the way I am. He loves me with my stretch marks and my loose skin, when I am my thinnest and my heaviest. He sees ME, just me.
My kids think I am beautiful. They love my soft skin and my long hair. I hate my huge, ridiculous milk-laden breasts, but they give my children life and sustenance and it has never occurred to them to think they make me look fat. They notice when I dress up and when I put lip gloss on before their daddy comes home and they think I am beautiful.
So why on earth have I convinced myself that I am less then because I do not weigh what I did 15 years ago? And why the heck do I think I should look the way I did when I had no children, a flexible schedule, a gym membership and a 20 year-old's metabolism? Why do I waste so much energy thinking about my next strategy to lose those last 10 pounds?---and who are we kidding if I lose 10 I will just set a goal for 10 more. My husband and my children are my whole life; I would gladly, freely, without hesitation, die for any one of them and yet I let some stranger on a tabloid, flaunting her post-baby-body make me feel badly about my tummy that leaves people always asking "is she pregnant again?"
We are at war. The devil is a nasty, evil bastard out to rob us of all that is good and true and holy. I teach my children to put on the armor of God, to guard themselves against the snares of the enemy, to call on St Michael and all the angels to protect them in battle, and yet every single day, I give him ground in this area of my life. I believe the lie that I am ugly, or fat, or not good enough because I haven't gotten down to some arbitrary number on a stupid scale. Do I spend nearly as much time praying? No. Helping others? No. Cultivating virtue in my children? Probably not. If I am not actively trying to lose weight I am creating an action plan for how I will start losing soon. And I spend an absurd amount of time imagining how much happier I will be when I finally get to that magic number. I recently came across some old photos of myself in a stack of forgotten memories and of course the first thing I did was bemoan that I had aged, and then began wishing I just weighed that again. Just as quickly I remembered the moment when that picture was taken and recalled that I thought I was fat then, or I didn't want my picture taken because I still had 5 lbs to lose. Absurd! What a waste of time and energy and what a shame that I am constantly telling God (not to mention my poor husband) that I am not good enough.
Now I am not saying weight doesn't matter at all. We need to be good stewards of our bodies, we need to take care of the temple of the Holy Spirit that God gave us. We need to be prudent, and responsible. But we also need to be content when we do all those things and are still a size 10, or 12, or 22. This is clearly where our culture doesn't help AT ALL. Babies and pregnancy are only celebrated if you barely gain while your pregnant and look like you never had a baby when it's all over. You can make a lot of money as a celebrity if you were once fat but aren't any more. Occasionally Hollywood will give an Oscar, or an Emmy to a "full-figured" woman touting the mantra that women are beautiful at any size, but give them 6 months and Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers will get a hold of them and they'll get 10 times the work and attention because now they are really beautiful. Again, it is so disordered. Why don't we praise women for the tell-tale pooch that tells the world you have given life to an eternal soul? Why don't we pity the perfect bodied 40 year old who only looks that way because she has never known the joy of motherhood? Why does no one envy the breasts of a woman who has let them be stretched and pulled and changed with the life-giving grasp of a babies perfect mouth? We have allowed the Prince of Lies to dictate the standard of Beauty. We have been so indoctrinated and inundated with this lie that we cannot even see the truth as the truth any more.
Eve was created as the zenith of creation. She was God's final, beautiful artistic gesture to say now it is finished; now it is very good. Woman, in any shape and size, is God's most beautiful creation; his masterpiece, so of course the devil is out to destroy it. Not only are we God's masterpiece but we are the link to the expansion and creation of the kingdom of God on earth. He entrusted our bodies, the ones we so often loathe, to the creation of mankind. He entrusted a woman's body to the human creation of his only son.
But why else would the enemy target us so persistently? Think how distracted we are by this issue. Think about all the wasted energy, the fear, the sheer amount of time we spend trying to live up to a fabricated standard of beauty. Would we pray more? serve more? Spend more time making beautiful meals, surrounded by community and family, sitting around a crowded table with happy faces and full tummies without worrying about the number of calories that in each serving? And what about the effect it has on our relationships? We can't accept compliments from our girlfriends and even more damaging we don't believe our husbands when they say they love us the way we are. It creates distance and tension in relationships that would otherwise be edified by accepting the truth. For me, it taints the gift of children because I dread so much the inevitable gaining of weight and the increasingly arduous effort it takes to lose that weight, and we have a culture full of women who will admit they are hesitant to have children because of what it will do to their bodies. We have no perspective of the eternal, our hearts are restless and confused.
Sadly, I can say all these things, and even believe them but that does not win the war that plays out in my head every day. I know not every woman struggles to the same degree, and I marvel at women who seem to accept themselves the way they are, but sadly they are few and far between, and often when I think I have met someone who doesn't struggle with this issue, after getting to know her I discover that she falls prey just like the rest of us.
So what can we do? I think a good start is to speak the truth, to guard our hearts and minds and to pray like crazy that God changes the way we see ourselves, that he redefines what we think to be beautiful, and that he gives us the tools, the wisdom, and the words to hand down to our sons and daughters so that the vicious cycle of lies can be broken. I pray every day that God will guard my daughters (and my sons) from the poor example I set with my constant disquietude concerning my body and that before I form their habits and minds he will order my mind and soul to strive for true beauty, the kind that quiets a spirit, gives life with generosity, shelters and protects, and provides a haven for true gifts and talents to be discovered, to be a reflection of God's indelible beauty, a true masterpiece.
Wow, Annie. Beautifully written.
ReplyDeleteGreat! You wrote this for me??!! Great job!!
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